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  #11  
Unread 10-31-2019, 08:11 AM
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Spindleshanks Spindleshanks is online now
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Julie, I have no German either, so rely heavily on online resources and this forum in pursuing this challenge. Thank you for coming on board.

Peter
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Unread 10-31-2019, 08:27 AM
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Hi John. Thanks for the continuing encouragement. I've installed the wayward hyphen, but I'm somewhat puzzled over your further comment regarding "and." By the "main sentence," I take it you mean the one between the quotation marks, but in point of fact each clause in that sentence has an "and," as does the original, though one is lost in the latest revision. Beyond that, in translation is there some significance in matching the number of conjunctions to the source text? Or have I misunderstood you?

Peter
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Unread 10-31-2019, 08:54 AM
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Susan, thanks again for getting on my case.

Having no German, it is a challenge for me to divine the pattern of nuances behind Heine's text. I try to get inside his mind, and your insight has been helpful in this instance. Reading other translations of the same source material for comparison helps, but can also be confusing. In the revision, I've introduced some alterations to try to enhance, first, the tone of endearment in the maiden's speech, along with the tone of implicit regret on the part of the narrator.
To me, it's an imperative in translation to stay as close as possible, not only to the tone of the poem, whether implicit or explicit, but also to the shape and rhythm of the original as far as possible within the limitations of word choices. I think that's the stuff of translation in contrast with interpretation or adaptation. So I'll strive to stay with the rhyme scheme where possible.

The ceiling has gone. It was a stretch anyway to interpret the glass as a glasshouse, but I thought it possible. I suspect, though, that the revision might find protest for its introduction of an explicit expression only implied in the original. I plead it's in line with Heine's evident intent.

Thanks again Susan.

Peter
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  #14  
Unread 10-31-2019, 09:45 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Peter,

I was unclear. I was referring to this sentence:

And from beside the window, sweetly smiling,
She plucked a myrtle twig and with a nod
Said,

You'll see the German has only one und here. I find the two ands a little awkward, myself, if you have an easy way to avoid them.
Glad you appreciated my hyphen suggestion.

Cheers,
John
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  #15  
Unread 11-01-2019, 06:32 AM
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John, a simple fix is to replace the opening "and" with "then," but I prefer to stay with the original, not only for its accurate rendition, but also for its emphatic value.

Peter
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