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  #1  
Unread 01-21-2019, 01:17 PM
Felicity Teague's Avatar
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Default A pocket poem (small)

Jacana in the green

The thunder pelts the delta
the bluebeaks build a deck
the lilies swoon and swelter
through serenades of krrrek!

The lady stalks and sails
in robes of rufous hue
to find the fittest males
and form the season's crew.

- - -
Title: Jac in the green --> Jacana in the green
L3: and --> the

Last edited by Felicity Teague; 01-25-2019 at 11:56 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 01-21-2019, 05:44 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Fliss,

Glad to see you posting!
I like your poem - light and deft - and it taught me things. For instance, jack in the green, a term I'd heard long ago and never learned the meaning of, to my knowledge. I've also found out what a female bluebeak looks like - very pretty! I don't think I realyl needed to do all that googling, but it did add to the poem for me.
No suggestions really. I'm still not sure of the pun in Jac in the Green, as you've written it.

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 01-22-2019, 01:27 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Good to see you posting again, Fliss. And this one is a beaut, songlike and whimsical-magical. I love the soundplay running through it, the interesting word choices, and the imagery. I’m stumped on coming up with a nit, so I’ll just enjoy it.

Best,

Andrew
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  #4  
Unread 01-22-2019, 06:18 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Hi Fliss,

Great to see you around; hope for more! Who couldn't love the sonics of this, from the introductory onomatopoeia to the concluding quip? I like the subject selection also- the inversion of theme: the lady is stalking, not the man.

I live on a lake and there is this amazing tree sort of across the corner of this small lake and it is a roost for cormorants and egrets. Quite visually stunning with the color contrast and separation. The egrets make a sound like you've described below (but uglier, actually). Wanted to say that so that you know I think you got the sound just right.

I don't think Jac in the green fits anywhere though, but that sort of fits it in by way of paradox. The speaker making the observations that are the poem is set back, alone watching, joined in but separated. Probably the Jethro Tull song brings it out more than strict tradition.

I'm finding it without shortcoming like the others, save that I presume we all want more!
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  #5  
Unread 01-22-2019, 02:42 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi John, Andrew, and Daniel,

Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment :-)


John

Thank you! Yes, it's been a while. I appreciate 'light and deft'. I enjoy learning things through poetry too. The word 'bluebeak' was just my affectionate nickname for the type of bird I describe here; I probably should've googled that to make sure it didn't lead to confusion!

Yes, I'm not sure of that pun either. I like it, but I can see why it might not appeal to some. I might rethink my title… anyway, thanks!


Andrew

Thanks for your appreciation; I’m delighted you enjoyed reading the pocket poem!


Daniel

Thanks for your words of encouragement! I’m pleased you enjoyed so many things about the poem.

I like your description of the amazing tree. It sounds worthy of a poem itself! And thanks for the vote of confidence concerning the sound.

For now, bearing in mind comments about the title, I've changed it to 'Jacana in the green', but I'd happily consider any other alternatives. I hadn't heard the Jethro Tull song; I came to know 'Jack' through the Morris tradition. It was just a pun, really, so I'm not particularly attached to it! Hopefully 'green' leads readers to 'green season' (especially with 'season' in the final line).


Thanks again; and reciprocal comments will follow!
Fliss
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  #6  
Unread 01-22-2019, 03:16 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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Hi Felicity,

I like this a lot. But I was confused by “bluebeaks,” since Jacanas have yellow bills.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacana...ile:Jaçanã.jpg

Here is a bird with a vivid blue beak — The helmet vanga (Euryceros prevostii):

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170...ller-blue-beak
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  #7  
Unread 01-22-2019, 04:51 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Hi Fliss, I love the dabs of images and the watery colors. I like the littleness of it. And the jauntiness of the ending.
I wonder about the thunder pelting the delta, though I like the sonics of it. But can thunder pelt? I wonder if you could have it "stun" the delta and add to the alliteration of the s's. Just a-wondering...
x
x
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  #8  
Unread 01-22-2019, 05:33 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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I like Jim’s suggestion of “stuns.” I think it sounds great with “thunder.”
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  #9  
Unread 01-23-2019, 01:10 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi Martin and Jim,

Thanks for stopping by :-)


Martin

Thanks for liking! I'm sorry the bluebeaks confused you. The first link you provide leads to the wattled jacana, which does indeed have a yellow bill. But my jacana is based on the African jacana, which has a blue bill :>)

The second link is interesting. I remember the series Madagascar because I watched some of it in hospital! I must try to watch it again; I love nature programmes :-)


Jim

Thanks, Jim; I like 'dabs', as I often feel I'm trying to paint things through poetry. Little and jaunty is good too, a bit like a jacana chick maybe :>)

Thanks for suggesting 'stuns'! I'll give it some thought :-)


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #10  
Unread 01-23-2019, 04:08 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Fliss!

Very nice to see you again.

After googling Jacana the penny dropped. I'm glad you changed the punning title because it led me astray and I kept trying to picture these images as metaphors for people in some English May Day festival, when the obvious (it's about birds!) was staring me in the face. I remember a long bird poem you posted a while back which was absolutely awesome. This is a fun and flighty poem, full of life and sound and colour.
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