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  #1  
Old 11-18-2018, 12:58 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Default Not quite Penelope

Suitors
do not throng the upper rooms
or eat up the household goods,
although she asked me once: Are we
married?
No, you married
Wilf in 1957.
I'm your son.
................... Oh yes. That's right.
In the hours when I'm not there,
she sits quietly by herself,
unpicking ...
unpicking ...
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  #2  
Old 11-18-2018, 01:40 PM
John Riley John Riley is online now
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Poignant. My mom thought I was my father in her last days. I don't know if the Penelope motif isn't too much of a stretch. I like it but wonder if the experience with an older parent this much metaphor.
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Old 11-19-2018, 03:45 PM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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This has so much David,

A tale well reshaped. The picture becomes so vivid and where does it leave you, the erstwhile Telemachus? It leaves me:

unpacking...
unpacking...

Regards,

Jan

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 11-19-2018 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 11-20-2018, 03:40 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks John. I'd like to think the Penelope motif isn't too much of a stretch, but I'd like to think a lot of things - unsuccessfully, at the moment, for the most part.

Thanks Jan, I'm very pleased you liked it.

Cheers both

David
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  #5  
Old 11-23-2018, 01:53 AM
Siham Karami Siham Karami is offline
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David,

You packed much into this little space. The ending is excellent. Really I think it’s there and couldn’t imagine a change. The first two lines evoke both inner and outer realities, and to me one of your strong points is saying just enough, not too much, giving us so much more in the sophisticated craft of restraint. Or at least to me it would be restraint. ��

Thanks for posting. Send it off, I’d say!

Best,
Siham
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Old 11-23-2018, 12:52 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thank you Siham! I probably shall.

Congratulations on your recent book! I hope it's been as well received as it deserves to be. (I haven't read the book, but I have read your poems before.)

Cheers

David
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  #7  
Old 11-23-2018, 06:03 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi David,

I think this is very effective. The metaphor works very well for me (particularly once I'd recalled Penelope's weaving).

A couple of thoughts. I wonder if there's a better title that still flags up the Penelope allusion, though I can't quite put my finger on why I have reservations about this one. Slightly too comic maybe? I guess we know she's not Penelope, so any title with 'Penelope' in would work. That said, I've no bright ideas.

Since in the myth Penelope weaves then unpicks then weaves, then unpicks then weaves, I did wonder if the close might be something like

unpicking ...
only unpicking ...

Or maybe not. Strong poem.

Matt
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Old 11-23-2018, 06:25 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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I feel stupid for asking when it's clear to others, but what is she unpicking?
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  #9  
Old 11-23-2018, 06:59 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Roger, I read it that it's the fabric of her mind/memory that she's unpicking -- or less actively, that that the fabric of her mind/memory is becoming unpicked. Or just she (her self) is becoming unpicked -- is coming apart.
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Old 11-25-2018, 08:53 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Matt. Good idea about the title. And thank you for explaining it - correctly, I think - to Roger.

Roger, does that work for you?

Cheers both

David
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