[John Whitworth]

Lucy Vickery presents this week's competition

In Competition No. 2679 you were invited to usher in the New Year with a teetotallers’ drinking song. As usual with this sort of challenge, many that read well on the page didn’t lend themselves to being sung aloud. But an impressive entry yielded some rousing and not unpersuasive calls to shun the liquid devil. Their authors of the following earn £25 each while Ray Kelley nabs £30.

In the instructions for Competition 2681 the year should have read 2010. Figures from either 2009 or 2010 will be acceptable.

Charge your pannikin with water,
Toast in springsprung H2O
Staunch Aquarius, transporter
Of the finest drink we know.

Thus we honour, sir and madam,
Of all draughts the very first —
It’s the ale God brewed for Adam
That most satisfies our thirst.

Scorning Scotch, refusing ouzo,
Banning brandy and Bordeaux,
Each and every kind of booze, O!
We teetotally forgo.

Rain, pour down on us who frolic,
Dance and sing to glorify
Nature’s own non-alcoholic
Liquor, essenced in the sky!
Ray Kelley

Fifteen men in the A and E,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk,
They’re all sloshed but not so me!
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk.
Fifteen men on the danger list,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk,
Even the party girls are pissed,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk.
We held a booze-up, good and true,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk,
Now all they do is honk and spew,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk.
They’re all squiffy, stewed and full,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of milk,
But, oh, how my TT life is dull,
Woe, woe, woe and a bottle of milk!
Shirley Curran

I am a very merry chap
Who drinks the water from the tap
And gives his thighs a mighty slap
And downs his Adam’s ale.

(Chorus Singing, Madam, bring me Adam’s ale,
In a bucket, in a pail,
And I will grieve if Mother Eve
Fails to feed me Adam’s ale.

I am a very hearty type
Who drains the cistern and the pipe
And likes his water fresh and ripe
And downs his Adam’s ale. (Chorus

I am a man — non (sine qua)
Who gives the waiter his pourboire
When tendered any reservoir
To down his Adam’s ale. (Chorus
Bill Greenwell

Sing farewell to stout, which encourages gout;
Let’s think of our health and our growth;
We’ll never be fitter on lager or bitter;
Good lime juice is better than both.

When the world is our oyster it’s useless to roister
Until we subside on our bed;
The drinkers of lime never wasted their time
As they painted the universe red.

Oh, the British are Limeys, not Beerys or Wineys,
And Limey’s the name that will stand;
It was lime that was best as we sailed our way west
To capture the foreigner’s land.
Paul Griffin

Why this pressing need to cheer
with applejack or ginger beer?
Could we this year just perhaps
have our punch without the schnapps?
It’s just as braw to sip and peck
with orange juice as triple sec.
Drink to me only with club soda,
Then come kiss me, darling Rhoda.

’Til the midnight hour come,
cola, please, without the rum.
Twelve o’clock! calls out the watch.
Bottoms up, but hold the scotch!
And now to see the New Year in,
bitter lemon. Skip the gin.
Drink to me only with club soda,
Then come kiss me, darling Rhoda.
Jan D. Hodge

When I was a toddler, good as gold,
Upon my mother’s knee,
She’d sing, ‘Little lad, if you ever feel sad,
All you need is a cup of tea.’

(Chorus) There’s oolong, barley, black or
white,
There’s green and herbal too,
But any char you choose will be better
than the booze
And provide you with a jolly, jolly brew.

When I was a youth, a fair young lass
With liquor tempted me,
But I said, ‘No fear! You can keep your beer,
I’d rather have a cup of tea.’ (Chorus)

So here’s to a Happy New Year ahead,
And a happy one it will be
If we never, ever sink to the demon drink
But settle for Rosy Lee.
Alan Millard