Competition: Specie New Leaf
Competition: New leaf
SATURDAY, 1ST JANUARY 2011
In Competition No. 2678 you were invited to submit the New Year’s resolutions of a fictional villain.
In Competition No. 2678 you were invited to submit the New Year’s resolutions of a fictional villain. It was a smallish and somewhat lacklustre entry, possibly owing to the earlier-than-usual deadline. But I warmed to D.A. Prince’s Lord Voldemort: ‘Get him; just get him. Then the series will be over’, and was amused by Chris O’Carroll’s Edward Hyde, ‘Be myself’, and Bill Greenwell’s Count Dracula: ‘Get a life’. Gerard Benson, meanwhile, kept it brief on behalf of Bill Sikes: ‘No more Mr Nice Guy!’
There is a distinctly Dickensian feel to the winners’ enclosure. Those printed below are rewarded with £30 each. W.J. Webster, in the guise of Mr Pecksniff, trots off with the bonus fiver.
I am resolved that in the coming twelvemonth I shall, steadfast in my righteousness, advance the cause of morality, raising high the effulgent torch of duty in one hand and of honour in the other so that their intermingled rays may be as a beacon of illumination for the darkened souls of the benighted. Yet where the purblind in vice turn away their faces from the light of virtue I shall be ever unsparing in my forgiveness. As for my professional calling, I shall continue both to practise my Vitruvian skills and to impart the glories of Architecture to the disciples who dwell under the shelter of my lowly roof. I shall accept their pecuniary tributes with an honest condescension: for in the leafy vineyard of the fine arts I, too, am but an humble toiler, a labourer no more than worthy of his hire.
W.J. Webster
Humbug having proved humbug, I have resolved, henceforward, to keep Christmas every day of the good old year, unclenching my hands and throwing open my coffers for the general good. But how long would such incontinent generosity endure? How much better to extend that generosity not over mere years, but decades? I’ll do it. No man was ever sharper with financial instruments; I didn’t accrue a small fortune without reflecting on how to grow it into a larger one. Unethically invested in brewing and tobacco — both wondrous solaces of the poor — my Benevolent Fund will festively snowball. The whole City, for a generous consideration, will naturally wish to invest. And I am no longer the miser to gainsay them. There’ll be work aplenty for Cratchit, if he only forgoes his wage as charitable fellows ought. As Tiny Tim said upon perusing the prospectus, ‘God help us, every one!’
Adrian Fry
I resolve to attend the House of Lords more often — after all, I had a job persuading Prime Muggle Blair to give me a Life (hopefully, in my case, Eternal) Peerage.
I resolve to master that trick with the three cards, so I can take more money off Muggles.
I resolve to try to persuade the Rowling woman to write me in at least one positive feature (maybe I could be really good at crochet, or ballroom dancing?)
I resolve to get my colloquial cockroach up to the level of my spoken serpent.
I resolve to get my body really fit, provided I can actually get a body.
I propose to get a dragon tattoo rather than a dark mark —not only cool but apparently profitable.
This year I’m finally going to nail Harry bloody Potter (or at least get the four-eyed git to introduce me to Emma Watson).
Brian Murdoch
Blofeld: This white cat thing — it’s making me look bad, like I’m some kind of weird sexual deviant. So come the New Year, there’s going to be a change. A pit bull, a rottweiler, not a fluffy pussy. That way I’ll be taken seriously.
Caspar Gutman: My word, what a reckless fool I’ve been to rely on inept associates like Joel Cairo and young Wilmer. Not to mention that harlot Brigid O’Shaughnessy. Too trusting for my own good. No wonder Sam Spade beat us hollow. From now on I’ll play a solo game.
Mrs Danvers: I realise I must be a nicer person, more loyal and respectful, more mindful of my position. So that’ s my New Year resolution. That and giving up the pyromania.
Hannibal Lecter: I’ve been looking into dietary issues in a serious way and it’s obvious the vegetarians have the best case. So in future no meat for me. And always organic Chianti.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Next year I shall be even more friendly an’ affable ter me pupils.
I shall be even more learnt in ’istery, sums an’ writin’.
I shall improve the facilities of this ackademy by gettin’ a roof over it.
I must buy some better an’ longer canes. Them what lasts a bit longer an’ doesn’t wear out so.
In order ter infect the place wi’ clennliness I shall endeavour ter ’ave a bath once a fortnight — well per’aps.
I shall ’ave ter double the fees of me charges on account of ’igher costs of ale.
I shall resolve ter do more hexercise so as ter improve me figure an’ improve me gen’ral department.
I intend ter advertise the superier merits of Dootheboys wi’ an hadvertisement in the Barnard Castell Chronical.
I resolve ter become a real Christian gen’lman an’ be right respectful of it, so ’elp me God.
Sid Field
They heckle me, they punch and kick
When I tell my tale of woe.
I never get beyond the point
Where I shoot with my crossbow.
Enough’s enough, I’m sick to death
Of carrying my cross.
I will not breathe another word
About that albatross.
Max Ross
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