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  #1  
Unread 07-04-2020, 07:48 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default At First Sight

Rewrite:

At First Sight

That I, a big
insufferable prig,
and you, a vandal,
could more than handle
being together
in torrid weather
till four o' clock
is worth the talk
of the outside others,
who, like mothers,
are censurers of
immediate love.
The odds are we
will never see
each other again.
I’ll see you then.


Original:

At First Sight

That you and I, vandal,
could more than handle
being together
in torrid weather
till four o' clock
is worth the talk
of the random others,
who, like mothers,
are censurers of
immediate love.
The odds are we
will never see
each other again.
I’ll see you then.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-09-2020 at 07:25 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 07-04-2020, 11:40 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Hi Aaron. I wonder if there is a better modifier than random for others. Prying? Nosy?

Congrats on your book of Aristophanes, btw. It's been years since I read him, in translation of course, and I'm sure yours will be an improvement.
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  #3  
Unread 07-05-2020, 09:00 AM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
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Hello,
For such a short, intensively rhymed and metred poem as this you have handled the rhyming rather well. The only major defect is these lines "till four o' clock/is worth the talk/of the random others," which seems to derail into a somewhat nonsensical comment upon what is worth the talk of some "random others". I would suggest at least changing "random others" to a different phrase, it does not give me any sort of impression of these "others", and unfortunately sounds a little too much like it was thought up just to rhyme with "mothers".

However, the rest of this poem is mostly well-handled, and I especially enjoyed the humour in the closing couplet.

Hope this helps,
Cameron
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  #4  
Unread 07-05-2020, 05:22 PM
Andrew Mandelbaum's Avatar
Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
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At first sight it looks like you pretty much just keep posting your poems and not putting much effort into other peopleís work. Bad form.
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  #5  
Unread 07-06-2020, 04:10 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Hello,

First of all, I would like to say that I overall enjoy this for what it is, which to me is a short piece of sharply honed verse. In verse such as this, like lyrics in love songs, there is an expectation of some commonplace formulae, whether it be at the level of theme, situation, development, image, phrase, rhyme, or even how a rhyme is approached, but conversely there is an expectation of at least one or two moments of surprise, at least a startling phrase or two.

At the thematic level, the title is indicating the topic of love at first sight, and at the level of situation we have two people who have met for the first time, and have created such a bond, that not even the weather and the passage of time can stop their communion, and yet, however intense the bond might be the couple part with no expectation of meeting again. They understand the intensity of their situation is unusual, and perhaps socially frowned upon, but they do not care for the wider community, and delight in the isolation of their couplness. It is a stereotyped situation of many a song and verse.

My nits are mostly at the phrase level. I wonder at the slant (in my accent, or any accent?) of rhyme pair "clock/talk" in that if the poem allows it, why it does not pursue more such to perhaps give itself more room to play with. I am not overly fussed, but in such a tightly woven poem with such near rhymes, the rhyme pair stand out more as a concession than sonic variation/play.

I quibble at the phrase "worth the talk/of the random others". Relative to my interpretation at the level of theme and situation, "random" is doing the work of demonstrating something like how the rest of the social world of the couple are seperate from, comment upon, and are not considered of much importance to the couple, but I am guessing there are other adjectives that could perform similar functions, such as "noisy". The word "random" seems to stretch too far into something like "they are a bunch of inconsequential so and sos", but I do not feel the sentiment needs to stretch to such dismissiveness, because stretching that far the verse brings unnecessary questions of how believeable the situation is, in the sense of "do other folk really care that much what these two do".

I quibble at the phrase "who, like mothers are censures of immediate love". Sure, a couple deep in the involvement of their couplness raise their love to much heightened importance, but I am wanting something more like (ignoring the metrical constraints) "who, like our mothers are censurers of immediate love", because I am wanting the poem to reach less to the general statement phrased like an axiom.

I quibble at the phrase "I'll see you then." Sure, I get it that the phrase is the type of phrase folk say while knowing the emotional truth that is being deflected, but what if one just omits the final rhyme of the final rhyme pair, and leave that hollow in the close?

Thanks.
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  #6  
Unread 07-06-2020, 04:12 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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What Andrew said. Which is why I have nothing to say about this poem.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 07-07-2020 at 04:18 PM.
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  #7  
Unread 07-07-2020, 12:43 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
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Censurers? Surely you mean censors? (makes sense and scans better, eh?)
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  #8  
Unread 07-07-2020, 07:10 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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With the public forum help that you've lent me alone, not to mention others, I'd say you have a bank that's not close to tapped. For me, at least.

But I do notice that your energy does seem down. Keep posting; keep the pulse. The verve will return.

The ending of course makes this poem: the never-never land of never-lovers...

Everyone knows my taste regarding off-rhyme, so naturally I'd like to see clock and talk "cleaned up".
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  #9  
Unread 07-07-2020, 02:22 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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What Daniel said. Aaron put in a huge amount of time on both writing boards. Recollect in tranquility.
__________________
Ralph
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  #10  
Unread 07-07-2020, 02:35 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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So have many, many people here Ralph. From the guidelines:

Quote:
Critique

Giving

Workshopping is a reciprocal activity. We donít specify minima, but, on the poetry Forums, you should critique several other poems for each one of your own. Feel free to critique on any of the poetry Forums, not just the one on which you post your own work.
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