[Richard G]

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In the park a pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate we never once saw open, a songless autumn of grey leaf-light and old water. Even in summer. Even in that summer when whole fields died for want and the earth cracked like a scab. Even then it was autumn, damp and deep enough to drown a child.




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Edit: semicolons replaced with commas. Comma added to title. Enjambments removed.


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[Jim Moonan]

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It's full of brooding and color. I like all the imagery. My sense is that there is a large metaphor at work. It is speaking in the larger context of earth's autumn, to my ear. Coincidentally, I, too, have tried to capture that mega metaphor in a short poem on this board.

It feels like it wants to be a prose poem but at the last minute line breaks occur. I wonder if it might be better effect to shorten the lines. Something along these lines (though I haven't given it much consideration — just wanted to give an example.):


Behind a chain-link fence and gate we never once
saw open, a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer. Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want and the earth cracked
like a scab. Even then it was autumn;
damp and deep enough to drown a child.


Welcome to the Sphere! Hope you like it here.

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[James Brancheau]

I like this a good deal, Richard. I’m sure I need much more time to soak this in as it was just posted, but I’ll give you some of my initial thoughts anyway. Overall, I think it’s about a child’s trauma over the drowning of another child, which is why it is still autumn. The drowning isn’t just about a child actually drowning, but the feelings of the other child remembering it. A lot of “n” sounds leading up to “drown” as well, which I quite like, intentional or not.

I’m hesitant to nit this because, again, the poem was just posted, but I’m not sure about the semicolons. I hate them generally, so there’s that (they should all be sent to punctuation hell as far as I’m concerned—though probably in my next poem I’ll be forced to use one…) But I’m especially not sure of them here.

“songless autumn,” “grey leaf-light,” and “cracked like a scab” are all wonderful. “cracked like a scab” is especially nice because they can be annoyingly painful, they are sores that are supposedly healing but have reopened, and they are, of course, common for children from playing hard (like in a park). I like how the title skips along… A first quick take, so I’m sorry if I completely missed the boat. Good stuff.

[Hilary Biehl]

I like this, too. The imagery is visceral and the language is stark and compelling. I really love the dry earth cracking like a scab. There's an overall sense of foreboding and an implication that something horrible - perhaps a literal drowning of a child, perhaps not - happened in this particular place.

I'm probably a minority in that I actually like semicolons, but the first one in this poem seems especially out of place to me. If you're saying that the songless autumn is behind the chain-link fence, then I think a comma would work better. The second one could also be replaced with a comma.

[John Riley]

This has a melancholy charm while the ending reminds us of the possibility of tragedy that is always lurking. I'm sure the semicolons have been discussed. I don't see their advantage over periods, but that is perhaps an individual decision. Overall, I think this attains its goal.

[Richard G]

Hi Jim.

It feels like it wants to be a prose poem but at the last minute line breaks occur.
The perfect description. I, or it, can't seem to make up our minds on this.

I wonder if it might be better effect to shorten the lines.
Something like this?

Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer when
whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab.
Even then it was autumn; damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

That said, your 'prose poem' instinct may well be correct. Will dither.

Welcome to the Sphere!
Thank you.
Hope you like it here.
So far I'd describe it as bracing, but rewarding.

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Hi James.

I think it’s about a child’s trauma over the drowning of another child, which is why it is still autumn. The drowning isn’t just about a child actually drowning, but the feelings of the other child remembering it.
I wouldn't disagree (though see reply to Hilary.)

but I’m not sure about the semicolons.
Me either.

“cracked like a scab” is especially nice because they can be annoyingly painful,
and somehow we seem to forget that as we grow older.
they are sores that are supposedly healing but have reopened, and they are, of course, common for children from playing hard
Precisely.

Good stuff.
Thank you.

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Hi Hilary

There's an overall sense of foreboding and an implication that something horrible - perhaps a literal drowning of a child, perhaps not - happened in this particular place.
The pond/place is real. That a child drowned there (and thus the fence and gate were installed) is, so far as I'm aware, just a local (sub)urban myth.

I'm probably a minority in that I actually like semicolons,
You probably are. But you're right about the intended meaning, so commas it is/will be. Many thanks.


Thanks All.

RG.

[Richard G]

Hi John.

I'm sure the semicolons have been discussed.
Yes, they have.
I don't see their advantage over periods, but that is perhaps an individual decision.
Leaning towards commas.
Overall, I think this attains its goal.
Good enough.

Thanks,
RG.

[Matt Q]

Hi Richard,

[BTW I wrote this before I saw your responses above, I see you've now addressed some of the points]

My take is the pond is closed off because a child has drowned, and this happened before the N was born, or at least, before the N was old enough to remember, since he's never seen the gate open. That the N recalls the summer of heat and drought suggests this isn't the summer that the child who drowned died, which at first I thought it might have been since the imagery is suggestive of mourning, but instead some other summer that he does remember. For the most part, I think the poem works well and is evocative. I like the use of repetition, and also how it's the very last clause of the poem that unlocks it, makes me go back and reread.

Whereas the "grey leaf-light" gives a nice evocative image, I wonder if there might something more interesting/specific than "old" for the water. "old" doesn't convey much of an image, at least not for me. I guess "stagnant" might work -- and has some double meaning -- or, "algaed". Anyway, what makes the water look (smell) old? Maybe show us that.

I wonder at the long the lines, and the shorter final line. I'd say, like Jim, you might try shorter lines. I also wonder at the enjambments: why enjamb on such weak words as "when" and "was"? Alternatively, you're maybe after a prose poem here and don't actually intend the lines to be broken? In which case, maybe just cut out the line breaks. I know prose poems can look odd a computer screen, since they're in landscape rather than portrait. Personally, I just resize my browser window when reading them on here.

Irrespective of my feelings about semicolons in general, I'd say neither semicolon here is used correctly (at least, as I understand semicolon usage), and for me, this detracts from the poem, adding unnecessary confusion. In the first sentence, you'd need a comma to show the elision of "is" or "was" that's taking place, which isn't a job semicolons can do (their union reps are very insistent on this). Alternatively, you could use a colon. The second semicolon would only work if the second clause was an independent clause, which it isn't, so maybe a comma. A dash or a colon would also work. I'd also add a comma to the title: "In the park, a pond" otherwise it's a bit like, "in the park and ride" -- a place to park ponds.

best,

Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Matt.

My take
Yep, that's pretty much it.

Anyway, what makes the water look (smell) old? Maybe show us that.
Ponds are standing water, so the water has to be 'old', especially during a drought.

I know prose poems can look odd a computer screen,
Yes, I think it's this that bothers me.

Personally, I just my browser window when reading them here
I feel like I'm missing something here. Is there an omission after just? Or is it a contraction?

Ah, another voice for commas. Point made, and taken.

Thanks.

RG.

[Hilary Biehl]

I like "old water." I like the simplicity of it and that sense of age, as if this water has been standing around forever.