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  #1  
Unread 04-02-2021, 11:49 AM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Default Seedtime

At Seedtime

The air is foul with toxic bits
I canít wave off with my old mitts.
My nose is numb, its vile gunk spits,
my eyebrows twist from painful sneezes!

Eyes subject to long itching fits
and hacking coughs, always the pits,
I am amazed but know that itís
restless Mother Natureís Achoos!

To cause me pain, confuse my wits,
her swirling chaos sparks some glitz.
So breathing spores and on the fritz,
Iím finally grateful for her sneezes!

By fall, I dine out at the Ritz
on her bounty for my Achoos!




Rev 2

At Seedtime

The air is foul with swirling toxics
I canít swat off with my old hands.
My nose is numb, its vile gunk drips,
my eyebrows arc, shocked by surprises.

Eyes subject to long itching phases,
and hacking coughs, always the case,
I am amazed but know that itís
persistent Mother Natureís blitz.

Its pain defuses my synapses,
but when the feral chaos lessens
and fewer spores cause far less stress,
Iím grateful for her yearly presence:

For soon Iím dining at the Ritz
on bounty seeded for my bliss.



Rev 1

At Seedtime

the air is foul with toxic bits
I canít wave off with my old mitts.
My nose is numb, its vile gunk spits,
my eyebrows twist in painful knits.

Eyes subject to long itching fits
and hacking coughs, always the pits,
I am amazed but know that itís
restless Mother Natureís blitz.

To cause me pain, confuse my wits,
her swirling chaos sparks some glitz.
Though breathing spores and on the fritz,
I'm finally grateful for her hits.

And so I dine out at the Ritz
on bounty seeded by her blitz.




At Seedtime

the air is foul with toxic bits
I canít wave off with my old mitts.
My nose is numb, its vile gunk spits,
my eyebrows twist in painful knits.

Eyes subject to long itching fits
and hacking coughs that are the pits,
I am amazed but know that itís
restless Mother Natureís blitzó

To cause me pain, confuse my wits,
in chaos and satiric skits.
Her spores make sure Iím on the fritz
to make me grateful for spring hits.

And, yes, I dine out at the Ritz
on bounty seeded by her blitz.
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Last edited by RCL; 04-19-2021 at 04:53 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 04-05-2021, 04:25 AM
conny conny is offline
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yep, hay fever can be a bit of a nightmare. i have a nasal spray that seems to work pretty well.

i come in praise of mono-rhyme.

but..

the couplet seems tacked on. also i have to say that the sense of quite a bit of the poem gets driven by the need for rhyme, and rather too obviously in several places. also the sound of bits/ knits/hits etc. is imo pretty harsh. i'm just not sure that it lends itself to repetition as much as you have here. again, as in a while ago, maybe a triolet is looming in the mid section of this..

cheers.


.................................................. ................................................
Quote:
Originally Posted by RCL View Post
At Seedtime

the air is foul with toxic bits
I canít wave off with my old mitts.
My nose is numb, its vile gunk spits,
my eyebrows twist in painful knits.

Eyes subject to long itching fits
and hacking coughing are the pits!
I am amazed but know that itís
restless Mother Natureís blitzó

To cause me pain, confuse my wits,
in chaos and satiric skits.
Her spores make sure Iím on the fritz
to make me grateful for spring hits.

And, yes, I dine out at the Ritz
on bounty seeded by her blitz.
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  #3  
Unread 04-05-2021, 03:27 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Conny, thanks for saving it from drowning in its own snot. You were no doubt charmed by the discipline of consistently single syllable rhymes in this monofest.

Flo-Nase, I praise, for actually protecting me from the worst of it; but there’s probably a reason for increased suicides in spring, especially in April. As that old cat Eliot suggests it’s the bounty of April, “the cruelest month.”
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Unread 04-06-2021, 08:36 AM
conny conny is offline
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its partly the reason i live in the west of Scotland.

crap weather=low pollen count.

i like mono rhyme a lot. i've only ever done it once properly and it
worked out pretty well, but i have an idea that not all sounds are
designed for it.

i'd love to see your poem work out to a conclusion. the reason i'm interested is because my mono sounds were not too far from what
u have. for mine, i used,

nest/press/pass/rinse/notice/piss/was/this/is/loneliness/muse/vice.

etc.
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Unread 04-06-2021, 10:46 AM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Aha! You're slant rhyming it and that's fine since its master ED agrees that's the way of the world. I'm going for the hammering regularity of pain that results in pleasure. But I may try a version slanting sounds. Sometimes the tiniest nudge will set me straight, so thanks again.
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Last edited by RCL; 04-06-2021 at 10:54 AM.
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Unread 04-06-2021, 11:28 AM
conny conny is offline
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yep, sorry i should have said. non-exact mono, or at least with
a couple slanted, makes life far easier...
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  #7  
Unread 04-06-2021, 05:28 PM
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Conny,

Like you, I was already committed to the rhyming “s”, so did a quick massage to see how it might work without being exact.
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Unread 04-18-2021, 10:51 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Hi Ralph!

Perhaps purely a matter of taste and idiosyncrasy, I preferred the crafted mono-rhymes much more. It felt like a sneeze at each line's end.

-- netty pot --
-- spicy aromatic soups --
-- scotch straight -- actually, warmed is quite nice

used in various combinations

There also might be a happy middle; perfect monosyllable might be the right proportion of sneezes, and off rhymes half the time keep the sophisticated sound while hinting at the buildup coming...

Take/toss/'tchoo!!!

Daniel
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Unread 04-18-2021, 10:25 PM
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Thanks, Daniel.

I agree that the mono-rhymes best convey my meaning. I'm intrigued by your "sneeze" notion and will try to apply it during my next allergy attack.
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Unread 04-19-2021, 03:56 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daniel Kemper View Post
Hi Ralph!

Perhaps purely a matter of taste and idiosyncrasy, I preferred the crafted mono-rhymes much more. It felt like a sneeze at each line's end.

..............

There also might be a happy middle; perfect monosyllable might be the right proportion of sneezes, and off rhymes half the time keep the sophisticated sound while hinting at the buildup coming...

Take/toss/'tchoo!!!

Daniel
That is exactly what I thought. Or very similar. Good advice, I think, Ralph.

Cheers

David
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