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  #11  
Unread 06-21-2019, 10:08 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Hi Roger, et al.,

Yes, that usage of ďlickĒ is a bit obscure. I had to check a dictionary to be sure I wasnít imagining things. But it was indeed there, and thatís good enough for me.

As you can see, there are a couple new drafts now, both considerably more regular than the first one. I think Iíve found my way to some happier lines, but on the whole, I donít feel like either one is as satisfying rhythmically. It was an interesting experiment, but they just donít sound like Rimbaud to me Ė particularly the pentameter one. It feels like itís in too much of a hurry to reach its destination.
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  #12  
Unread 06-22-2019, 06:45 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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2b works pretty well for me.

Cheers,
John
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  #13  
Unread 07-04-2019, 09:33 AM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Bumping this up because I was looking to have a bit more feedback on my revised version(s). I hope my own comments weren't off-putting - honestly, I've never yet written a poem I can't find fault with myself, but it's never stopped me from writing them.
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  #14  
Unread 07-04-2019, 09:45 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Anka, for me, your version 2b reads much better than 2a. In the first line, for better flow, I might recommend "In deep blue summer evenings." Rimbaud doesn't specify the shade of blue, but by evening it would be darker than during the day, I think, and you don't want the reader to be confused about whether you are in anapests or iambs at the start.

Susan
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