Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 07-05-2019, 04:13 PM
Stephen Hampton Stephen Hampton is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Jacksonville Florida USA
Posts: 310
Default loved You On The 4Th Of July

Soda pop iced in tubs sweet cider in old brown jugs
Watermelon Moms apple pie
Baseball games in the park gazebo dancing after dark
We were young and still so shy

Rockets lit the skies sparkling in your eyes
Holding hands was special with you
I walked you to your door I kissed you on the porch
I loved you on the fourth.... of July

Little brother tagged along and Elvis sang a song
I saw a tear drop fall from your eye
Daddies Chevy was so neat and the summer was so sweet
And it was great just being alive

Rockets lit the skies sparkling in your eyes
Holding hands was special with you
I walked you to your door I kissed you on the porch
I loved you on the fourth.... of July

No one ever burned the flag or used it like a rag
And growing up took so long to do
Innocents we could see through the eyes of liberty
We proudly waved our red white and blue

Rockets lit the skies sparkling in your eyes
Holding hands was special with you
I walked you to your door I kissed you on the porch
I loved you on the fourth.... of July
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 07-05-2019, 04:21 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

This collection of clichés, nostalgia and tripe is too crude and juvenile for The Deep End. I suggest that a moderator move it to Metrical.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 07-05-2019, 04:44 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Middle England
Posts: 5,900
Default

I agree with Aaron.

This is not at all of the standard expected of The Deep End. (It's hardly of the expected standard of this site at all, in actual fact) ...but nonetheless, I'm moving it to Metrical.

Jayne

PS. Stephen, apart from an ellipsis here and there, you have no punctuation whatsoever in this poem. It's not doing you any favours to write like this.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 07-05-2019, 06:12 PM
R. Nemo Hill's Avatar
R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Halcott, New York
Posts: 8,947
Default

I'd suggest get rid of all the words, and using only punctuation.
That would be an improvement.

Nemo
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 07-06-2019, 08:38 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,739
Default

Sorry Stephen, I'm going to agree with Aaron, Jayne, and Nemo. The piece is so fundamentally flawed that I'm not sure it's ready for any workshop.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 07-06-2019, 11:57 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 1,813
Default

But then, Nemo, it would be an Ancarrow, not a Hampton, poem.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 07-06-2019, 12:25 PM
R. Nemo Hill's Avatar
R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Halcott, New York
Posts: 8,947
Default

Touché.

Nemo
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 07-06-2019, 01:06 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,445
Default

I bet that if Bob Dylan groaned it with his downdraft nasal twang he could win a second Nobel Prize. [ ] -- "Bye-Bye Miss American Pie, drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry..." Of course, it Could Be Improved...!!

Maybe Bruce Springsteen: "Born On The Fourth Of July..."

Sextus Resphighi, maybe, sent Red, White, and Blue-dyed roses on the Fourth to his ladylove, but they arrived all fooly green, didn't they?

Don't apologize, don't explain.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-06-2019 at 11:05 PM. Reason: A post of mine that can be improved, shall be.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 07-06-2019, 02:15 PM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: United States of America
Posts: 94
Default

You can do better.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Unread 07-06-2019, 03:34 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,665
Default

That's a nice thing to say, Jason. I agree, all of us have room for improvement. I know I do. Perfectibility, as the C18th liked to put it.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,997
Total Threads: 19,772
Total Posts: 252,924
There are 128 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online