Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 07-09-2019, 11:46 AM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Middle England
Posts: 5,900
Default

Hi Aaron,

It gave me the shivers too, putting me in mind slightly of the Justin Cronin trilogy I'm reading, except that it's ''virals" (infected humans) who do the indiscriminate killing there. Chilling stuff, both.

Like Andrew, my only nit is the lack of a definite article in L5. I wondered whether something like this might work:

From homes made out of garbage, out of plastic
sheeting and castoff metal, almond eyes
gazed at the jungle in a feline guise:


Just a suggestion, ...but it would chime with L1's "blaze''.

A really powerful poem.

Jayne
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 07-09-2019, 11:46 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Goodness, no, Andrew. I apologize. I had a crazy night last night, and I'm a bit off this morning. I am grateful for your enthusiasm about this piece.

I am now considering possible revisions to the "jungle" line.

I do like the sound of "marveled at jungle."

I would need to find a verb to replace "marveled".

"almond eyes/studied the jungle in a feline guise," for example, isn't as good, I think.

Jayne, we cross-posted. I like the sound of "gazed"--I do fear that "gazed at the jungle" would tell the reader that the humans are looking out into the jungle, and I want to convey that "jungle" has come into their slum.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-09-2019 at 11:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 07-09-2019, 11:58 AM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,417
Default

Aaron,
the article you linked to describes attacks on villages, not cities, and in an area well away from the coast, hence with no mangroves. There is this: Urban Tigers, but it is still about villages. Leopards have actually attacked city dwellers.

But I am being too picky. I'm just not quite convinced by mangroves.

Martin
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 07-09-2019, 12:19 PM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 27
Default

At first read I thought this was a take on that other famous poem about Tygers ... there are notes of similarity - but when I come back to it for second and third read I'm more inclined to think that it is not about a tigers at all, or rather the tiger is simply metaphor and the poem is about pollution and the impending demise of mankind if we fail to act. Perhaps even if we act and it is already too late to save the species. In this interpretation I prefer your original closing lines to the lines uttered from the tiger's POV as that feels like you are forcing a literal reading of the poem on the reader.

That is to say, for me, it works entirely better when the tiger is a metaphor for the incipient demise of man, and doesn't work at all well when it is commentary on urban or peri-urban tigers predating on goats.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 07-09-2019, 12:48 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,684
Default

Hi Aaron,

Now you need Delacroix to paint this.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 07-09-2019, 01:11 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Martin and L. Meadow,

I have addressed the concerns of both of you in my revisions to the antepenultimate and penultimate lines.

L. Meadow, do you think I should go back to "Dream Tiger" as the title?

John, thank you. I would love to see this poem illustrated.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-09-2019 at 01:15 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 07-09-2019, 02:08 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

I have revised lines 13-14 to

suddenness, and a cursive crimson scrawl
came spurting out, as if the cat were writing,
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 07-09-2019, 08:41 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

I have revised the poem so that there is no more "I" and so that the action is in the present tense.

Which version do we prefer?
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 07-09-2019, 10:27 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,881
Default

I much prefer the "I" version. It's more terrifying and dream-vision-y.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 07-09-2019, 10:57 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,684
Default

"I saw ten thousand chariots, marching without horses ..." Bob Marley. Prophets use I. Go with that.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,999
Total Threads: 19,780
Total Posts: 253,021
There are 104 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online