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  #1  
Unread 05-30-2019, 08:39 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default The Sacred Font

The Sacred Fount

Go on ahead. I will remain right here
until this water rising from its spring
absorbs me, and my troubles disappear,
and I become as privileged a thing

as grass or stone that, innocent of mind,
can never be disconsolate. I will
remain until I reach the source behind
the bubbling one and grin and drink my fill.

Go on. I will remain my own sweet length
of time—an eon, to the count of ten.
I will remain until I have the strength
to turn back to the world and try again.

Just look at you—such jubilance! Please go
and leave me here to fathom what you know.

. . . . .

Title was "The Sacred Font"
L3: "troubles" for "worries"

Closing couplets were:
Just look at you—such happiness. Please go
and leave me here to hunt for what you know.

You, though, since you are happy, go, go, go
and leave me here to seek out what you know.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-03-2019 at 08:04 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 05-30-2019, 09:04 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I like it, and it bears rereading and reflection. Springs are interesting things. OTOH, I miss your usual joy in rhyming here. Not that there's anything wrong with these rhymes, they just seem to lack some of your usual excitement. But then, I guess you have a weary narrator.

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 05-30-2019, 09:43 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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I think the couplet you posted when you tweeted this is better than what you changed it to. By a long shot.

(From the title alone, I was expecting a paean to helvetica).
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Unread 05-30-2019, 02:26 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, John. Yes, this is a more somber poem, and I didn't want to rhymes to be flashy.

Roger, you prefer this closing couplet:

Just look at you--such happiness. Please go
and leave me here to hunt for what you know.

?
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Unread 05-30-2019, 02:44 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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Yes, definitely prefer that one.
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Unread 05-30-2019, 03:37 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Well, alright, then. I've made the change. Thanks, Roger.
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Unread 05-30-2019, 03:58 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Appreciate what you're doing here. Following John on rhymes, the enjambments and the lack of metrical flash contribute to the somberness, but especially the 4 "I will remain"'s that make a litany or prayer of the poem. I like the almost affectionate turn to a companion at the end, who exemplifies the speaker's knowledge that there really is something to be gained here. I wonder if "wait" or something else less active and mobile than "hunt" would fit. E.g., soak, bathe, float.

Last edited by Bill Carpenter; 05-30-2019 at 10:14 PM.
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Unread 05-30-2019, 06:08 PM
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Nicholas Stone Nicholas Stone is offline
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It's not clear to me that the personification of "the bubbling one" works - it gives a degree of agency to the spring, but that being the case it isn't clear what you're doing at the source behind this agent. Maybe there could be one fewer ideas in this stanza?

I wonder whether grinning makes sense - it's incongruous with the general sense of pacific relief, it's a sort of active or ironicised joy with a sense of ridiculousness. I think it works if you want a note of self-deprecation to deflate the seriousness of the poem.

The word "hunt" in the concluding couplet doesn't quite seem in tune with the absolute stillness of the rest of the poem. I don't think it accurately describes the activity of N. after the companion leaves. Perhaps "Just go / and let the water teach me what you know." - or something like that. But perhaps the hunting is of a piece with "reach the source behind" which I didn't get in S2 - both are modes of seeking. Do you think S2 sets up "hunt"?
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Unread 05-31-2019, 03:51 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, Bill and Nicholas,

I have revised, again, the closing couplet at your suggestion.

It is now

Just look at you--such jubilance. Please go
and leave me here to seek out what you know.

What di you think?
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Unread 05-31-2019, 05:31 AM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Jubilance is excellent. I'm still attracted to "soak in," but I can see that the more abstract and cerebral "seek out" is in keeping with the particular discipline you have assumed for this poem.
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