Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 07-09-2018, 09:45 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,634
Default

I think I might like this format the most--each sentence its own stanza:

Arctolatry

"Careful: this will be a little hot."

A most rude road has bumped you through Wyoming
to one defunct gas pump, a flood-lit lot,
a starburst counter where your phone lies, roaming.

A beehived female with insane eyeliner
has brought you meatloaf and a great big foaming
root beer float.
root beer float. This is the final diner
before the air thins and the grizzly bear
takes over.
takes over. Ursa Major and Ursa Minor
just keep on roving through the night out there
above the peak of freedom—stream, pine, den.

Swiveling inward on a vinyl chair,
you slurp the dregs and drop a crumpled ten,
then turn to wilderness, American.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:55 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 2,857
Default

Glad to be of help. I quite like the solid 14-line block. Couplets seem a bit weird to me.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-09-2018, 11:21 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,634
Default

Thank you, John. I think I am back to preferring the chunk.

I have revised line 10 from

just keep on roving through the night up there

to

just keep on shambling through the night up there
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-09-2018, 11:37 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,422
Default

Aaron,

I like the terza rima layout, and it does have Dantesque content with the reference to things getting hot, and then setting out on a journey.

One thing:

out there
above the peak of freedom

I think you can do better than "there" for the rhyme there. It feels tacked on.

And, maybe not an issue for most readers, but like Woody I didn't know what "starburst counter" was, but that might be because I haven't been in a diner for a long time. Maybe "starburst-pattern counter"?

Enjoyed,

Andrew
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-10-2018, 12:22 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 5,174
Default

I like “shambling.” You could even say “lumbering,” which seems like what a bear might do.

I think “out there” may seem ever so slightly like it’s there for the rhyme, but I think of it more as colloquial speech. So I have no problem with it.

I don’t know yet which format I like better, though I am leaning at the moment toward the terza rima look. Perhaps that’s because in the block format, the feminine rhymes (Wyoming/roaming/foaming) look closer together, so draw more attention to themselves.

Oh, and the double-spaced version ... hmm. I’ll ponder it, though I generally tend to think that sort of thing is a bit contrived, but I’ll ponder ...
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-10-2018, 09:13 AM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 3,903
Default

Aaron, I think any poem with "you" as the focus is first read with the Narrator representing the author in person. (Few readers will take "you" as referring to themselves without good reason or egomania.) This problem would diminish a lot with third person pronouns, like "he" etc., but then of course, he only gender neutral one on hand is "it". The last word pushes the poem over the edge into artificiality, if that wasn't felt earlier. I don't think "it" cuts it. Too weird, entirely. You (you) (you-all, too) should make an effort to find and view that movie.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-11-2018, 10:42 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,634
Default

I have made a number of revisions.

Most substantially to line 11

“above the peak of freedom—stream, pine, den.”

To

“above the peak of freedom—fish, flesh, den.”

And line 14

“then turn to wilderness, American.”

To

“then turn untamable, American.”

Andrew and Martin, thank you. I will go with the tercet ending in a couplet format, at your suggestion.

Andrew, I think I need the “out there” to emphasize the divide between inside the diner vs. outside the diner. That distinction becomes important at the end of the poem.

Allen, I am trying to speak generally and gender-neutrally about an “American.” You seems the best way to do that. I don’t agree that most readers see a “you” as the N.

Thanks, all,

Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-11-2018 at 10:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-12-2018, 09:23 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 5,174
Default

I agree that “you” does not necessarily refer to the poet. I normally hear it as the speaker of the poem referring to him or herself, including in this poem. So “you” works fine for me.

I like “shambling” (as I said earlier). It sounds like a bear walking.

I don’t see “fish, flesh, den” or “then turn untamable, American” in the posted poem. Perhaps you haven’t got around to editing it yet. “Fish, flesh, den” relates more to diet and lodging than the earlier version with streams and pines, which are more about habitat or the natural environment. The fish and flesh depict the carnivorous transformation. You could, of course, abbreviate them to “flish.”

“Untamable” is certainly what happens to the narrator, so that seems the right adjective (if you want an adjective). I like the alliteration of “turn/untamable.”

I like the layout of the poem now. Though I think, generally, the way a poem looks on paper (or screen) is not as important as how the words, rhythms, rhymes, lines, diction, etc., sound.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-12-2018, 10:08 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,634
Default

Hello, Martin. Thank you. I had made the revisions but then revised back. I will put "fish, flesh, den" and "untamable" back in. We'll see what people think.

Yes, I lean on my ear and the poem's layout, for me, is always a secondary consideration.

Thanks for coming back,

Aaron
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-12-2018, 03:36 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,113
Default

Hi Aaron,
I like this a lot and don't have any nits after a dozen readings. It has bit of the flavor of the movie "Altered States". I vaguely remember that a while ago there was a poem on a similar theme--turning into a wild animal. Was it yours or Matt Q's? Do you have any memory of it? Is this a re-imagination of that poem, a companion piece, or completely independent?

Thanks for the read!
Martin
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,895
Total Threads: 19,066
Total Posts: 245,372
There are 78 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online