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  #1  
Unread 05-16-2019, 01:17 PM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is online now
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Default Eclogue (7)

Wheat text

Autumn Garden in Winter

Muse, flickering faintly in the distance,
bring your burning madness near. The rain falls
but lightly: how could it quell your fire? Come,
Felicity, come. Scorch me with your song.

Mira, slowly roving through thick air, felt
each particle resist its displacement,
her feet falling fitfully earthward
in a gagaku rhythm, her mind removed.

Crows winged their way across the interlude
between nothing and nothing, tree and tree,
and dreamt inveterate dreams. Mira watched,
awake to the exile of awareness.

She circled the concrete rim of the pond
until she reached a low stone wall, and sat,
the crows crying craven or victory,
she could not tell. Leth joined her on the wall.

"Imagine that tree full of crows on fire,
branches burning like ravaged Troy, the flames
licked lightly by the soft rain."
licked lightly by the soft rain." "Imagine
the crows on fire, fleeing on fire, their scorched

bodies falling flaming to the water."


EDITS:

S2L4: elsewhere --> removed
S3L3: inscrutable --> inveterate

Last edited by Aaron Novick; Today at 01:43 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 05-16-2019, 01:35 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Aaron,

Sonically this is just brilliant. A few lines that I enjoyed reading aloud:

Muse, flickering faintly in the distance, --> the alliteration, but almost moreso the assonance of the /ɪ/.

bring your burning madness near. --> Continuing the /ɪ/ here is great, and then a new alliteration. The whole first two lines are great.

Crows winged their way across the interlude --> the IP here really works with the meaning.

the crows crying craven or victory, --> although I don't quite know what it means (and craven and victory are different parts of speech), it works sonically.

A couple of places you might improve:

in a gagaku rhythm, her mind elsewhere.
the bolded part feels too telly, and at least partially implied in the first half.
and dreamt inscrutable dreams. Mira watched,
inscrutable feels too easy for you. I think you might be able to make get there in a fresher way
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Unread 05-16-2019, 05:38 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is online now
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Andrew, thanks for comments. I'm glad the poem is largely working for you.

You're right about the two weak points you highlight. I think I've fixed the first one. I need to think more about the second.

"Cry craven" is a phrase with a set meaning (to surrender), so I think "cry victory" can stand as a complement to it even though "craven" and "victory" in isolation aren't the same part of speech.

Does the ending work?
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Unread 05-16-2019, 07:43 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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I like the ending a lot.

Her mind removed is an improvement. You might be able to do better, but now we're splitting hairs.

I didn't know cry craven." It works now.
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Unread Today, 01:45 PM
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Thanks Andrew. I think I've found a fix for "inscrutable", something that throws a bit of a wrinkle in the mix.
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