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  #21  
Unread 08-23-2019, 10:43 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Andrew,

I'm finding the latest version S2L2-5 harder to parse, a little over-packed / inelegant somehow. Two clauses interject to modify the noun before we get to the verb at the end.

Rows of dragonfly eggs, threading the nymph-stage carapaces in algae, foam-fringed, undulate.

I think in part it's not immediately clear what "foam-fringed" is modifying: the eggs or the algae or the carapaces. Nor whether the carapaces are in algae, or being "threaded in algae". Also, the use of the definite article before "nymph-stage carapaces" seems odd, and maybe metrically driven, I don't know that I would expect one there. Added to which the whole sentence is a bit of a mouthful.

Anyway, I preferred the version you had before.

best,

Matt
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  #22  
Unread 08-23-2019, 11:58 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Thanks for pushing me on that, Matt. You're 100% right. That sentence has been weirdly hard for me to get.

Would this syntax work for you?

Rows of dragonfly eggs
and [adjective] nymph-stage
carapaces in algae,
foam-fringed, undulate.
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  #23  
Unread 08-23-2019, 01:00 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Andrew,

Sounds better to me, but I'd put a comma after eggs, or it will sound like eggs and nymph-stage are a unit.
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  #24  
Unread 08-23-2019, 01:15 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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I don't know. It kind of worked before, I think, with the comma in L2 working as an 'and', though I can see why you weren't wholly fully satisfied with it. The adjective would give you two modifiers for 'carapaces' which might be modifier-heavy. If you go that way, though, maybe "threads of dragonfly eggs", for the 'threads'/'eggs' assonance, and possible a slightly stronger image. Or "strings of" if "threads" seems suggest that the eggs have been shredded; "strings" would pick of the 'g' sound and have assonance with 'nymph'.

Maybe you need to reorder the sentence? Could you do something like this?

Rows of dragonfly eggs,
foam-fringed, and nymph-stage
carapaces in algae,
[something], undulate.

"foam-fringed" might also fit the slant rhyme and so could possibly go at the end of one lines, which might give you another option.

-Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 08-23-2019 at 01:18 PM.
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  #25  
Unread 08-24-2019, 06:47 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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A major rewrite of the second stanza is up now, plus a new title and the "sunrays roll on their sides" line changed per Julie and John.

The biggest change is that people are in the poem now.

Ralph, thanks for your feedback, and super big thanks, Matt, for getting me to see that stanza better. I don't know if it's done now, but I do think that overwrought feeling you mentioned is gone.
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  #26  
Unread 08-24-2019, 07:52 PM
Siham Karami Siham Karami is offline
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Hi Andrew,
Now that all the hard work of critique and revision have been done, I come, as usual, to “see that it is good.”
Seriously, your S 2 revision is the best; introducing “we” to the mix makes everything come alive. That actually helped the entire poem, in other words, not only a solution to a single stanza. It now feels more vital to the whole poem, but if I hadn’t seen the previous discussion I wouldn’t know why.

And btw I love the “dinghy/ carcass” connection for which the simile provides a necessary touch of distance to it, distinguishing it from the floating eggs (new life “as they are”). Also a simile’s distancing helps along the “discarded” boat image as carcass, which sense “like” enhances.

Also thumbs up on the title. That too is far more immediate. And evocative. After all, in another month like say December, afternoons are a whole nother thing. All in all, especially the last line, just excellent.

Siham
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  #27  
Unread 08-24-2019, 08:35 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Andrew,

I like your new punning title. Also, the revisions work for me. Very nice!

Cheers,
John
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  #28  
Unread 08-24-2019, 10:25 PM
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Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Lovin' "The sunlight rolls on its side."
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  #29  
Unread 08-25-2019, 05:44 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Huge improvement, Andrew.
And I love the new title whose declarative simplicity contrasts, to good effect, with the descriptiveness of the rest.

Nemo
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  #30  
Unread 08-25-2019, 06:58 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Tightening up nicely! "August" as a title fits better, but I'd like to take a second to imagine the title outside of it's context. If I were reading through a hundred poems, what would tickle me to select *this* August?

August

Beside the lapped pier,

-->a spare way to get across rippling water, but I don't like the construct "lapped pier". I think you have a syllable or two that you could play with in the opening line (but might be missing something of the form). It shouldn't lose its tightness. Is the pier a key image, or might you play with "air" oppressive muggy etc.?

in time with heat, cicadas
percuss and rasp their brass.
A dinghy, like a carcass
discarded, bobs in glare.

-->The dinghy might seem to require a pier. The time and place that I'm from had plenty of these tied up to poles off the shore-- especially ones that had gear stored in them, or had been part of a blind (not uncommonly abandoned)

Bubbles on blackwater.
We've come down to the fringe
of foam, where dragonfly eggs
in strings and nymph-stage
carapaces undulate.

-->The stanza hangs together nicely as an independent unit, but it's unclear if an inversion of these first two lines might make better transition with the stanza above it. (take/toss)

The sunlight rolls on its side
as the day squints down at murk,
returning to the circling
clasp of summer succulence,
the long-armed queen of weeds.

-->The long-armed queen of weeds is a great character. I don't get to know her enough here.


All in all, I've written a lot, but have liked it a lot. Brings back memories of my old salt marshes.
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