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  #1  
Unread 08-12-2019, 04:41 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Default Honeycomb

Honeycombs [abbreviated]

When we argued, said goodbyes,
I had to cry,
honey draining from my eyes.

Swift colonizing honeybees
sensed my appeal
for filling combs within my eyes.

Their busy waxing-waning buzz
attracted you.
My heart revived as honey rose:

Like golden mead, like sunrise sky,
a lovely glowing honeymoon high.




Rev 1

Honeycombs

When we argued, said goodbyes,
I had to cry,
honey draining from my eyes
till nearly dry.

Swift colonizing honeybees
sensed my appeal
for filling combs within my eyes
to help me heal.

Their busy waxing-waning buzz
attracted you.
My heart revived as honey rose,
a growing glow

like golden mead, like sunrise sky,
a honeymoon high.


S2L1 was: some feral scouting honeybees/heard
S2L3 was “for the combs within my eyes”
S2L4 was “and worked with zeal”
S3L4: growing for gorgeous
Replaced S3 & couplet


Honeycomb

Got a hank o' hair and a piece o' bone
And made a walkin' talkin' Honeycomb
Jimmy Rodgers


When we argued, said goodbyes,
I had to cry,
honey draining from my eyes
till nearly dry.

Some feral scouting honeybees
heard my appeal
for the combs within my eyes
and worked with zeal.

Their gentle buzzing soothed my sighs,
and soon drew you,
aroused me--honey rushing to rise,
its gorgeous glow

a golden mead, a sunrise sky,
our honeymoon high.


S2L1 was: some feral scouting honeybees
S2L1: feral for wild
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Last edited by RCL; 08-20-2019 at 02:20 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 08-13-2019, 09:50 PM
Jake Sheff Jake Sheff is offline
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RCL,

I found this "sweet" (pun intended). The only hang ups for me were the 3rd stanza. The meter and rhyme became somewhat more irregular suddenly, and I lost track of the meaning, particularly in line 3. Even re-reading it, something about the rhythm and sense is jarring.

This might be what getting taken out of the poem is -- I feel like S3, particularly its third line, is problematic.

Maybe someone else will see it too and have some suggestions. I'm not quite sure enough of what's taking place in that part to offer alternatives right now.

But I think the conceit and ballad-sonnet are fascinating and worth getting right!

Best,
Jake
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  #3  
Unread 08-14-2019, 11:45 AM
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Default Honey Never Spoils

Jake,

Thanks for your courageous approach to the hive! I appreciate that you recognize it as a balladic-sonnet experiment. It started out as an ekphrastic; here it’s attempting to be a stand-alone. The Jimmy Rodgers lines were meant to suggest that the metaphor is not completely off the wall. None of it seems to work as I’d hoped. Anyway, changes to S3 & couplet.
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Unread 08-15-2019, 09:23 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I love the play with the hybrid form. I think I'll jot down some of my favorite lines. And some of my non-fav's.

fav -->honey draining from my eyes


non-fav --> and worked with zeal.

non-fav --> Their gentle buzzing soothed my sighs,

non-fav --> aroused me-- fav--> honey rushing to rise,
non-fav --> its gorgeous glow (don't TELL me this fact, make me FEEL this fact)

a golden mead, a sunrise sky,
our honeymoon high.

Overall, I like the experiment in form, and I like the transition of what honey stands for (from extreme tears to extreme arousal). I'd like to see more gripping imagery that shows more than tells.

Hope this helps and hope to see more
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Unread 08-15-2019, 03:15 PM
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Daniel,

Thanks for reading and nudging me toward sharper language. Got rid of “zeal” and “gorgeous.” Thanks also for approving the hybrid format.
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Unread 08-18-2019, 09:41 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Hey Ralph! You probably won't like this idea but it occurs to me that you might excise the fourth line of each stanza, since they give the sense, to me, of being added for the rhymes, not really integral. A final line might be added to the final couplet, finding a way to end with the word "eyes":

Honeycombs

When we argued, said goodbyes,
I had to cry,
honey draining from my eyes.

Swift colonizing honeybees
sensed my appeal
for filling combs within my eyes.

Their busy waxing-waning buzz
attracted you.
My heart revived as honey rose.

like golden mead, like sunrise sky,
a honeymoon high.
[. . . . . . . . . . . eyes.]

Just a thought, fwiw.

Best,

Andrew
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  #7  
Unread 08-20-2019, 05:10 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Much smoother now. I am mulling the form, not in any doubtful way, but in an appreciative way. I really like it.
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  #8  
Unread 08-20-2019, 02:16 PM
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Interesting idea, Andrew. The fourth lines were helping me anchor the weird narrative of an ekphrastic, and the extra lines also suggested a hybrid sonnet. But deleting them does tighten and smoothly express the story arc. Letting the possibilities simmer. Thanks.

Daniel, Glad to see you find the evolution of this has been an improvement! Formal restraints are very often productive for me (after long slogs).
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