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Old 09-22-2018, 11:15 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Default Dactyls Mostly II

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xxxxDance With Me


I’d like to dance with you,
Wander in France with you,
Apply for grants with you,
Buy garden plants with you,
Take a big chance with you,
Go the distance with you,
Defy some can’ts with you,
Do a swan dive with you.

I want to prance with you,
Live in a manse with you,
Sing solemn chants with you
Dare an advance with you,
Wear formal pants for you,
Make an entrance with you,
Shock all our aunts with you,
Have a nice drive with you.

I want to glance at you,
Never askance at you,
Enter a trance with you,
Juggle finance with you,
Extravagance with you,
Walk on my hands for you,
Slyly contrive with you.
Cook an endive with you.

Let me romance with you,
Twist a nuance with you,
Do gallivants with you,
Engage in rants with you,
Do brain implants with you,
Save elephants with you,
Just be alive with you.

I want to dance with you.

PS: this is a recurrence of the final version with one change of a thread from six months ago. If no one has anything new to say, let it be.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 09-23-2018 at 10:58 AM.
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Old 09-23-2018, 10:32 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Why “I’d” and not “I” in L1?
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Old 09-23-2018, 11:09 PM
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There you go, Daniel, a reasonable question, poem-wise. To change it to that, there'd have to some changes of perspective in the rest of the extended sentence as stanza. Consider this: "I like to apply for grants with you." That could sound like an endless application process. Nothing like a pair of people preparing grant applications together side by side and sharing a frozen yoghourt is there? Essentially, this is a proposal for a dance with a hope for pleasant follow-ups. Nevertheless, it's an interesting thought that might provoke some upgrades throughout the poem in a possible major revision process. Thanks.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 09-23-2018 at 11:14 PM.
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Old 09-24-2018, 12:17 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I’m being overly pushy and literalistic, but wouldn’t the [would] imply a condition under which you would want to do it and one under which you would not? I.e should we be waiting for the “if”? —I’d like to ___ if ___, else___.

Sorry to get all programmy/scripty on you!
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Old 09-24-2018, 02:09 AM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Allen,

I remember an earlier iteration of this list, which, I am sorry to say, is not my cup of tea. Not finding it humorous, nor able to take it seriously, I have nothing to do with it. The audience for zaniness indulged like this, though it might exist for all I know, would not be with me. But, lest I leave without offering something of potential use, allow me to at least suggest a stronger verb in the first line than like.

Best,

Erik

P.S. It becomes conspicuously clear how the only reason for each next item, like ‘juggle finance with you’ (why? really?), is the merely arbitrary reason that some word so happens to sound alike and hardly anything else; as such, the whole address seems little more than a pretext for a weirdly showy exercise or zany exhibition of rhyme-facility. In any event, I think it might be polite yet stronger—Annie has a point—as Let me dance with... Take or leave.

Last edited by Erik Olson; 09-24-2018 at 12:16 PM.
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Old 09-24-2018, 05:24 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I'd like to disagree with you, Erik, if I may?

That "like" implies a gentlemanly politesse. The "if" that Daniel is waiting for is the "if" above, the "if I may", the "if the lady's a-willin".

Thus the change to "want" in the succeeding stanzas and the stand-alone final line is progressively, exquisitely daring.

I am glad that the cut of the trousers has superseded their hue.
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Old 09-24-2018, 09:38 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Allen,

I remember this. I like the idea, but I'm not quite sure it gets there for me. Possibly the disconnect between some of the lines can make it seem that you're just churning out rhymes from a list. Partly, I think, in terms of sounds, it gets quite monotonous, and that's hard to avoid with such short lines and every line ending "-ANCE with YOU". I think it might also help if the form and the metre were tighter.

In terms of metre, I'd say look for alternatives lines like "defy" and "apply" etc, which leave you with no stress on the first syllable of the line, and "distance", "entrance" which mean there's no stress on the fourth syllable of the line -- though some of these seem to stand being forced to metre better than others.

"Go the distance with you" in particular bugs me for neither hitting the metre and nor rhyming. And if I force it to rhyme and scan (stressing the second syllable and altering the vowel), it no longer really sounds all that much like "distance".

In terms of form: I'd prefer to see all the stanzas follow the same pattern e.g. 8 lines with 7 'dance' rhymes and one 'drive' rhyme, or -- which might be better -- have the other stanzas follow S3: 6 'dance' rhymes and 2 'drive' rhymes.

Perhaps one option is to make it shorter -- have it as three stanzas say -- so you could tighten the form, metre and rhyme, use your best lines only, and have it make slightly more sense, and, in terms of sound, shorter would be mean less repetition.

It might also help to up the sounds (e.g. consonance, assonance) within some of the lines, and maybe make some the images/phrases a little less expected -- a fair are stock images/phrases.

For example:

walk on my hands for you

could become

walk on one hand for you
(or even, "hop on one hand for you").

As an alternative to "defy some can'ts with you", how about:

Can-can some can'ts with you

It's dance-related, less expected image, scans, alliterates, and kind of means the same as what currently have: to "can" a "can't" would be to defy it, I think.

In S4, instead of "do gallivants with you", how about "go gallivant with you" for the alliteration, and to avoid repeating "do"?

Matt

p.s. I agree with Annie on "I'd like". I'd just like to say that.

Last edited by Matt Q; 09-24-2018 at 10:49 AM.
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Old 09-24-2018, 11:21 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Hello, Erik, there are parts of certain pieces of durable music that I hate because I think they are monotonous or repetitive (a piano one-note ping by Bartok, the last movement of Sibelius’ final symphony, and the mournful repeated drone of the early US hymn/folk song “Wagon Wheels” in Dvorak’s “Symphony from the New World”—what was he thinking!?—over and over), but then there is Ravel’s “Bolero,” which I find charming despite its effective use as a background for a slow-train explosion striptease in some movie. Ravel, however, came to hate it, he said, because everyone liked it too much. Yet I enjoy Britten's “The Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra,” where even tympany drums sing the dominant fugue theme originally by Purcell.

Johnny One-Note is a tightrope. I usually loathe villanelles! Loathe them. Tastes vary. This is one of a couple of experiments. Back to multi-fangled variety in the nearest future. A stronger verb? He doesn’t want to overwhelm or appear too forward. Tony Zipster might say “I gotta dance with you,” and get his idea even into the mind of an insect, but a higher-type carbon-based recipient might just respond, “No, no, Bozo, whoa. Reclimb that tree, S. V. P!” Poor smitten bozo: needs to brush up the style.

Matt, part of the fun for me in this experiment is to see how much lemon juice I can squeeze out of only one slice; another part is the teeter-totter wobble of the rhythm that practically forces mis-emphasis and slight mispronounciation of some words. The tightrope walker seems to stumble, but is in complete control with every step. Ooh, ah, he’ll fall off the rope!! Nonetheless, I will closely read your comments, very closely in the next few hours. If I don’t change anything right away, don’t fear, still waters run deep.

Ann, thank you for your perception. The speaker in the poem is really saying these things. It’s not just interior monologue. This is an advertisement campaign as forthright and more sincere than those for U-Need-A-Biscuit (a regional US product name now possibly extinct).

Everybody so far, this tries to be light-hearted (as with 'entering a trance' — not likely, really, and the elephants (ok) and brain implants, nah), so Erik’s disdain might seem justified. I’m sure it is, in fact, if you take every word at face value. Hyperbole is part of the game, okay? But seriousness is just as much a part. The speaker sees the addresee as very talented, very able, very very. — And to confound all of youse who say it’s contrived horse-feathers, it came into being last year when a trip to France with my wife had to be cancelled at the very last minute because of sudden health issues. I did want to wander in France with her again, did want to dance with her, did want to do whatall. It grew from there. It’s real, and polyreal. Elephants are contagious, they say. Brain implants, not so much, unless you are types who do their own dentistry or are a pair of surgeons (we are not).

Last edited by Allen Tice; 09-24-2018 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 09-24-2018, 02:07 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Allen,

I get the the intention here; it's more the execution that I'm questioning. If you squeeze your lemon too much you run out of juice and you get pips and pith instead. So, I think that either some of what's there needs to be juicier, of you need stop sooner. Also, yes, some things you can force to humorous effect, but some things will just sound forced. A dramatic faux-stumble can work well, but for me, actually falling off the tight-rope, or looking like you're just not all that bothered where where you put your feet, detracts rather than adds. "Distance" is one of the places where, for me, you don't pull this off.

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 09-24-2018 at 02:32 PM.
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Old 09-24-2018, 03:25 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Matt, I wouldn't want to "can-can some can'ts with you" under almost any conditions. I'm not a ballet boy; nothing wrong with ballet, but high kicks to "Orpheus in Hades" by Jacques Offenbach are not my métier, even with twenty very brave Eurydices. I can't take you seriously when you ask me to hop on one hand. Bah! Begone, delusional child. "Distance": this line would be metrically levelled a little; there would be no full standard emphasis on the first syllable or on the second syllable to conform to the broad pattern. It would be like a line of French verse: more uniform in stress than our boomy Brito-American poetry. If read that way, there's a soupçon of wit that might escape some attentive ears, alert as they seem to be. That reading style applies to all the oddities where the stresses might seem out of place, for example, "elephants". In places this poem verges a little bit on comedic burlesque, but it's just not transgressive comedy. I may be a tad absurd at times, but the poem is not.

I should mention, by the way, that in this case the release of the preceding poem has been approved under New York State Public Law with the official endorsement of my wife, and we are not yet in France.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 09-24-2018 at 03:29 PM.
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