Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-17-2017, 07:46 AM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 287
Default

To what use is that finger put
It is not written
but it is put to use
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 11-17-2017, 01:39 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 3,593
Default

Daniel, we have had some exhilarating PM exchanges that were great. So you know I am not anti-Kemper at all, but ... as Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman once said: "We live in an age when lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons."

I'm not at all sure how that applies here. But it sounds very resonant. So, avoiding further circumlocution, I don't think this poem quite works yet. Maybe you are trying to do too much all at once. Maybe stand back a while and let the gnomic finger's shadow move around the sundial for a few weeks.

Hope this helps.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old Yesterday, 10:00 AM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 287
Default

Allen, I think you are right about giving this one a little time.

On another note--

""We live in an age when lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons.""

is a kind of koan...

Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old Yesterday, 11:26 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 7,086
Default

Daniel, I think your villanelle has promise, but the syntax gets twisted and the wording unnatural in a few spots. Here is one of them:

He looked about and pointed at the sky

to emphasize a point as with a sigh,
refrain, or pause, or end where he began.

The end of the sentence doesn't fit with its beginning. I might suggest something like

to emphasize a point as, with a sigh,
refrain, or pause, he'd end where he began.

Perhaps something like "they snickered when they heard 'Behold the man!'" would solve the problem of their not being the ones who said it. I might suggest instead of "this foolishness won't pass the normal span" you try something like "this foolishness won't perish with the man."

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old Yesterday, 02:49 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 1,419
Default

There is a great villanelle in Non-Met that you should look at, Daniel.

Joke.

The form itself seems to be - on the whole - really well handled. The subject is not really my cup of tea, but that doesn't matter too much. What I think does matter is John R's point, that the fingernail is such a flimsy basis on which to build the poem. If you had taken one of the trickier points in the gospels - don't ask me for an example - and built the poem on that, it would have been more interesting - to me, at least.

Nice villanelling, though.

Cheers

David
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,840
Total Threads: 18,737
Total Posts: 242,066
There are 139 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online