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Unread 04-01-2016, 03:21 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Default The Oldie ''Easy Peeler'' competition by 29th April

Is something done to citrus fruits, I wonder, to render them ''easy peelers''? I've never had too much trouble in peeling an orange, myself, have you? I suspect many entries will be about something other than fruit, though. Good luck everyone - Sphereans are sweeping the board lately!

Jayne

Competition
TESSA CASTRO

Competition No 202
Sales boomed this year for citrus fruits known to supermarkets as ‘easy peelers’.
A poem, please, called ‘Easy Peeler’, with any meaning. Maximum 16 lines.
Entries, by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG) or email comps@theoldie.co.uk to ‘Competition No 202’ by 29th April. Don’t forget to include your postal address.
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Unread 04-01-2016, 05:16 PM
Rob Stuart Rob Stuart is offline
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A policeman of loose morals, perhaps?
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Unread 04-02-2016, 02:28 AM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is offline
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Gladys worked with a girl from Odessa
As a Tiger Bay body-revealer
Billed as 'Cardiff's World-Famed Welsh Undresser'
And 'Olga The Great Easy Peeler'.

Er, perhaps not.

Last edited by Jerome Betts; 04-25-2016 at 03:50 AM. Reason: Tweaked
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Unread 04-02-2016, 05:01 AM
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John Whitworth John Whitworth is offline
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A policeman of loose morals? Certainly not. All our policemen have the highest standards. A policeman at his ease perhaps, with his boots off and his helmet too, a black cheroot sticking out under his huge policeman's moustache....
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Unread 04-02-2016, 07:58 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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A bellmaker, handsome and dapper,
Saw his business go right down the crapper.
The man, Easy Peeler,
Was an awful bell dealer
And failed to sell even one clapper.
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Unread 04-02-2016, 08:06 AM
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John Whitworth John Whitworth is offline
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Easy Peeler

Easy Peeler on the grass,
Sat upon his splendid arse,
Swelling with his London Pride,
With his helmet by his side,
With his tunic all unbraced,
With his massive boots unlaced,
With his whistle and his truncheon,
Chomping his Policeman’s luncheon,

Easy Peeler at his ease,
With his pickles and his cheese,
With his mug of sergeant’s tea,
Sweet as sergeant’s tea can be,
One who likes to cut a dash,
Twirling his immense moustache,
Free and easy, spick and span,
Bobby dazzler, what a man!

Last edited by John Whitworth; 04-28-2016 at 01:32 AM.
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Unread 04-04-2016, 05:36 PM
Alan Rain Alan Rain is offline
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Easy peeler

It starts with scarf and lazy glove,
expectant stare and puppy love –
my eyes pursue her opened shirt,
the downward arc of leather skirt.

She prowls the stage, bikini queen
in satin skin, such tactile sheen.
I long to help her easy peel;
her gaze says, “No, you know the deal.”

A nervous gal once, good to bad?
In flimsy delta vee now clad,
her garments lie like autumn leaves,
a winter breeze, my breathing heaves.

Engaged by loosened bow on hip,
my heart, my loins, perform a skip.
A peach in heels, she blows a kiss;
I sip the juice of nature’s bliss.
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Unread 04-04-2016, 05:45 PM
Rob Stuart Rob Stuart is offline
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I’ve a tarnished reputation now my colleagues at the station
Have found out about my shameful little hobby;
I’ve been spotted clasping felons in between my massive melons.
Did you ever hear of such a wanton bobby?

I have counterfeiters queuing for an ask-no-questions screwing
And the muggers know me as a knicker-dropper.
I routinely take on looters and embezzlers as suitors,
I am quite the undiscriminating copper.

If a drunk’s behind a bonnet I’ll insist he has me on it
And I always offer spivs a little nibble.
When I nab a teenage vandal, that’s a recipe for scandal;
I’m a shockingly licentious sort of dibble.

Defalcators stir my passion like it’s going out of fashion
And I’ve done the deed with every double dealer.
I put out for any bruiser, be he yardie or yakuza,
And embrace the fact I’m such an easy peeler.

Last edited by Rob Stuart; 04-05-2016 at 10:02 AM.
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Unread 04-05-2016, 03:16 AM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Easy Peeler

She feigns so much her masks reveal her
True naked self. Unlike the onion,
Her faux airs prove an easy peeler.
High, shrouding hedges round her mansion
With triple-bolted gates unlock
The hidden core of a curmudgeon:
She hides so well, it is no shock.
But like an onion you pay dear:
Unfolding her unfolds a tear.

Last edited by Erik Olson; 04-05-2016 at 04:16 AM.
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