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Unread 11-17-2019, 10:08 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,343
Default He who is Horror

He who is half-burnt boots
strides down the front hall,..... stops and stands there
shooting up..... your open-plan home.
Your lithe wife leaps..... for the lino and slides
behind the marble..... mid-kitchen island.
You hug the prophet,..... hold him to you
as sacrosanctly a secret-service
agent would press .....his precious president.
You heave, then, bring .....your bulk to bear.
The tackle works:..... two in tandem
hit the hardwood,..... hide together
safely behind..... the sectional sofa.

The big gun roams..... at random, riddles
drop-ceiling, drywall,..... drape and window.
Rat-a-tat-crash,..... and you cringe to hear
your banshee baby the background shrieking.
Your mind fractures...... Too many rival
roles to perform: .....father, friend,
husband. Whom .....should you help out first?

Orin answers, .....ends your indecision,
by slipping from your grip, .....standing and stating,
“What must be done..... is mine in memory.”
The intruder’s fateful..... trigger-finger
coming down,..... you dive desperately—
the human race .....hangs in the balance.
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Unread 11-17-2019, 02:52 PM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Sunnyvale, CA
Posts: 1,605

Great action.

I like how "two in tandem" gives me (you) an out-of-body experience.
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Unread 11-17-2019, 06:35 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,525

Originally Posted by Max Goodman View Post
"two in tandem"
- is well situated.
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Unread 11-18-2019, 08:18 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 2,256

Brilliant crystal-clear writing.

I wonder if The human race.....hangs in the balance is too telly or too melodramatic or too something. I don't know. Maybe cliche. I like the pulpishness of the entirety of it all, but would caution you not to revel in it. This is an epic that is echoing our real life saga. I would try to avoid any semblance of any other genre. Hints are ok. Too much of it will only take away, IMHO.

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 11-19-2019 at 08:22 PM.
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Unread 11-23-2019, 12:12 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,343

Thank you, gentlemen.

I am glad that you like "two in tandem."

Jim, I agree about the last line but I can't come up with something better. I'm on it.

Thank you,

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