[Roger Slater]

I don't think this was posted. Just three days to the deadline, sadly. The subject matter is beyond my scope, but others might give it a try:



No. 2606: Premier poetry
It was mischievously suggested that Gordon Brown might have turned to former poet laureate Andrew Motion in order to inject a bit of poetic oomph into his speeches. You are invited to imagine GB turning for inspiration to other poets or authors and submit an extract from the resulting speech (16 lines/150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2606’ by 23 July or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

[Marion Shore]

I think we have to look across the Pond to maintain our Spherean presence on the Speccie with this one.

[John Whitworth]

I've been sunning my fat arse on French beaches. Now it's back to work. Life is real, life is earnest etc etc. How about this? You have to know the dreadful man goes on about courage (he hasn't got any), his legacy (hah!) and Tory CUTS versus Labour INVESTMENT (which means spending - I think Obama goes on in the same way but I may be wrong about that). Spherians will not need a crib, but nevertheless I will return and give you one.

Premier Poetry

‘Courage!’ he said, and pointed to the shore.
‘Labour Investment leads to paths of glory.
My strong right arm (it’s what your right arm’s for)
Prevents Earth’s Greatest Nation going Tory.

Honest Labour bears a lovely face.
There is one creed. In this we stand or fall.
Should Tory Cuts deprive us of our place
This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Behold! My hair is grey, but not with years.
O polished perturbation! Golden care!
Our policies – I watered them with tears.
I see them all, so excellently fair.

I see them all. The Legacy of Gordon,
Led through a sad variety of woe,
It walked the town awhile, now seldom pored on.
Do we despair? Are we downhearted? No!’

Line 1: Tennyson
Line 2: Gray
Line 3: Robert Southey
Line 4: John Russell Lowell
Line 5: Dekker
Line 6: Chesterton
Line 6: Milton
Line 8: Shakespeare
Line 9: Byron
Line 10: Shakespeare
Line 12: Coleridge
Line 14: Pope
Line 15: Milton
Line 16: Anon

[Marion Shore]

Pretty good for a fella who's been sunning his arse all week.

Glad you were able to cast off your beret and get back to some serious work.

[John Whitworth]

I didn't have a beret. I had a white cricket hat. Actually I didn't see a beret all the time I was there. But a whole lot of smoking. You can't imagine a Frenchman who isn't smoking. Outside the cafes they are all giving the Gauloise a hammering. ANOTHER THING YOU CAN GET ONLY WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY IS BROWN BREAD. i'M HAPPY WITH MY BAGUETTE BUT dOREEN SOUGHT IN VAIN HER HEALTHY BROWN.

And nobody in a supermarket has any idea where anything is. But these are details. I could live in the Ardeche if I had I lifeline to my cricket matches. Of course they do speak French. But it's not a bad language. Becket wrote Waiting for Godot on French. Did you know that? Then wrote it in English. Or was it the other way round.

Sorry about the caps.This computer does that.

French teenagers don't get piss drunk every night. Perhaps they do in Paris but not where I was. And there are NO FAT PEOPLE. But I said that before.

Not that I'm fattist. I'm a fat person myself. But we've gone too far in the UK. Do you know there was a guy last week died of cirrhosis (wjhich you get by too much boozing) at 22 years old!!! He'd started on the hard stuff wjhen he was THIRTEEN. I know American boys shoot guns at that age but shooting guns is better. Imagine.The fellow was a lush at fourteen and dead at twenty-two. I need to go and lie down

La France for ever! Pity they don't play cricket. They'd be good at it. Particularly spin bowling.