[John Whitworth]

Competition: Telling tales

LUCY VICKERY
SATURDAY, 29TH OCTOBER 2011

In Competition No. 2719 you were invited to imagine that a well-known literary character of your choice had spilled the beans to a tabloid and to supply the resulting front-page story, including headline. I liked Virginia Price Evans’s paternity shocker: ‘I was Scrooge’s love child’, says Tiny Tim. Una McMorran, John Samson and Mike Morrison were also unlucky losers. The winners get £25 each;G.M. Davistakes the extra fiver.

M Pimped Me, Claims Ex-spy
‘Call me a patriotic whore.’
This startling confession came from a man who has looked death in the eye for his country many times. According to former ace secret agent James Bond, he was forced to:
LIVE a life of empty sophistication, often abroad
KILL people he hardly knew
INDULGE in casual meaningless sex with a variety of partners
RISK death in extreme situations
MIX socially with degenerate, bloodthirsty, power-crazed evildoers
Manipulated by spymaster ‘M’, Bond led an existence he hated till the slaughter, lies and deception drove him to drink. ‘I was a slave to the vodkatini,’ he admits ruefully. ‘But I drank for England.’
In our exclusive interview he exposes the ruthless moral blackmail that turned a decent, patriotic Englishman into a cynical assassin — and the guilt that ate at his soul.
His book, Double Zero, appears today.
G.M. Davis

WON’T GET FOOL AGAIN
‘Don’t laugh at me,’ says Fool, ‘but I’m saying nothing.’ Until yesterday, that is.
Fool, 59, revealed he had SLEPT with the Duchess of Albany, and SEXTED the Queen of France. ‘It’s what I call prithee-nuncling,’ he jested. ‘The King and his court can’t see for looking. I’ve been USURPING Albany’s bed for weeks.’
‘I’m a twit for tw**. Who put the Cor in Cordelia? Me. If the King of France led me a dance, then he doesn’t know the difference between wormwood and GAUL. I’ve been out and about in his reine. I’ve been sending her MASSAGES daily.’
News that Fool is to be hanged doesn’t faze him. ‘It’s rope for old money,’ he insisted. ‘I like a bit of gallows humour — I’ve been telling Lear that for donkey’s years. We’re all going down together — we all have our trap shut in the end.’
Bill Greenwell

Toybear Toyboy
‘I was his plaything of an idle hour,’ claimed a tearful Winnie-the-Pooh, 3, a Bear. ‘We were definitely an item but he cast me aside and now I am suffering from an eating disorder involving honey. I blame it all on him.’
Christopher Robin, 8, a committed Christian, denies wrongdoing. ‘We simply attended small prayer meetings together.’ Asked if these took place in his bedroom after they had shared baths, he said, ‘I wish to be left alone to complete my education. The Bear wrote poetry. We all know where that sort of thing may lead.’
Winnie is now considering a career as a singer. His ‘Hundred Best Hums in the Hundred Acre Wood’ will be launched next month. The Hundred Acre Wood was a common scene of assignation, where they were often accompanied by a small pig. The pig was unavailable for comment.
John Whitworth

HOLMES-O-SEXUAL: SLEUTH ADMITS ‘I’M GAY’
Following decades of speculation, Baker Street Irregular Sherlock Holmes conceded his homosexuality exclusively to the Mirror yesterday.
‘I’ve always had a preference for the darker passages of London’s underworld,’ the detective beamed, ‘and am amazed the press hasn’t deduced the fact from a thousand tiny signs, as I surely would have.’
Holmes’s companion Dr Watson, thought by many to be his lover, is not his partner, however. ‘God, no,’ Holmes laughed. ‘Watson’s a lovely chap, but hardly my physical or intellectual equal. Professor Moriarty is unquestionably The One.’
Though Watson has given the unlikely union his blessing, Sherlock remains troubled by the reaction of colleagues and family. ‘Lestrade and my brother Mycroft, having Victorian values, believe my work will be fatally compromised.’
And won’t it? ‘One never knows who’s going to end up on top in a relationship, but it’ll be terrific fun finding out.’ Adrian Fry

Lear oh Lear!
A right royal bust-up has given ex-King Lear less than he bargained for. ‘I love ’em all to bits,’ the tearful ex-monarch explained before quitting his palace for good today. ‘But Cordelia — well, she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.’ With the country split in two parts — not three, as he’d intended — the ageing king only gets choice of two daughters to put him up.
What’s it going to be like on the road? He winks. ‘Free’n’easy, just me and the lads. I set the girls up right, everything they could want, so their old dad can get some home comforts in his old age.’ Does he miss Cordelia? He looks away, choked. ‘Course I do. My little princess.’
‘But that’s OK,’ he insists. ‘Regan and Goneril are good girls. No probs.’
D.A. Prince

Toad ‘In The Hole’: Moles Rat on ‘Road-Rage’ Toff
Toad of Toad Hall dumped speeding penalty points on aides and estate workers over a ten-year period, sources alleged yesterday.
Rat, 29, and Mole, 26, each received nine points when their boss’s dreadful driving was caught on camera. The ex-toadies came clean after Toad, 42, was recorded on tape forcing his latest speeding rap on to Kermit — his cousin from across the pond.
‘Toad’s a maniac on the frog — a serial killer of small, furry creatures,’ claimed Rat. Mole alleged further offences: ‘Toad’s “in the hole”. Toad-kill from estate roads was used to poison weasels.’
His super-injunction denied, the Tory A-lister’s hopes of following Badger in the safe Toadshire South constituency are shattered. If continual perversion of justice is proven, the fibbing amphibian faces a long stretch among pond life in a very different country seat.
Nigel Harding