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  #31  
Old 05-19-2018, 07:08 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron Novick View Post

Edit: looking through the thread, I notice that Andrew F. and I have diametrically opposite views here. \_(ツ)_/
Au contraire! I do think the opening needed something to set up the reader for why it's such a big deal to be on a French terrace, but I agree the first stanza is too heavy-handed as is.

John, for a poem that begins with an abstract generality and then moves into particulars, check out Robert Hass's Meditation at Lagunitas. It might give you some ideas.
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  #32  
Old 05-19-2018, 07:11 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Count me with Aaron N. here.

I'd consider cutting back even further to make the language more evocative. Right now it still feels like versified prose to me. Maybe starting withs something like:
The air is filled with French, and smoke. The sun
touches each glass, as if the news it had
were for the whole world.
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  #33  
Old 05-19-2018, 08:47 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Ah, what a gorgeous Robert Hass poem! That's how to write poetry. Ok, there's agreement the first stanza needs revision. I'll look at S2 as well, and may borrow from Version I when I get a computer (my wife's working).

Thank you all, Andrews and Aaron,
John

Revision posted (on my phone).

Last edited by John Isbell; 05-19-2018 at 09:09 AM.
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  #34  
Old 05-19-2018, 09:43 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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OK, another revision posted, out of curiosity. I think this may be about where I want it now.
Any thoughts?

Cheers,
John
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