[Golias]

The value of our currency will soon decline.
An unemployed millionaire will spend
nine hundred for a glass of wine,
then carry home but half a box
of thousand dollar eggs
to feed his wife
who sells herself
and a 4-year-old
who begs.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Wiley,

I like the idea of this but it doesn't quite come off, in terms of the shape. Lines 6 & 9 are a bit too short and lines 7 & 8 are the same length.

Also, although I'm a self-confessed ''proper-punctuation-nerd'' (and can't believe I'm saying this! ) I'd suggest leaving out the one comma, as it tends to stick out and distract.

For the visual effect of the decline to work better, I think it needs more alignment; this is only a very rough, hasty attempt to demonstrate what I mean:

The value of our currency will soon decline.
An unemployed millionaire will spend
nine hundred for a bottle of wine
and carry home but half a box
of two thousand dollar eggs
to feed his ---------- wife
who sells her body
and a 4-year-old
who ----------.

I hope this helps a bit.

Jayne

[Golias]

Thanks for the suggestion, Jayne. I was thinking that the coming money value decline might not be a smooth one, but it will be interesting to try making the poem's(?) shape smooth without obvious padding or awkward phrasing. I find it a pleasant little game, a sort of crossword exercise. Maybe start with a nine-stress line and go down to a monosyllable, or a ?.

Glias

[Golias]

Revised per discussion


Projected federal deficit spending, trade imbalances impending
and great unlikelihood of mending make it nearly sure
our dollar’s value would dramatically decline.
An unemployed working man may pay
two hundred for a bottle of wine
and buy no more than two
eighty-one dollar eggs
for a hungry wife
and his child
who begs.

[Jayne Osborn]

It's much better with the longer lines and the rhyming element, Wiley.

It's still a tad higgledy-piggledy though. (Sorry!) I think you need to play around with the words some more, until you get a really good, regular slope from top to bottom with, say, two or three spaces fewer on every line as it descends.

As it stands, for example, between certain and decline, and again between wife and child, the gap is too wide.

(Stickler, aren't I?)

Jayne

[Golias]

Jayne, I think you are looking at an earlier version. I changed 'certain' to sure'. I also tried switching the slope to the beginnings of the lines for a perfectly aligned descent, but the system would not allow that. I will spend some more time on it. At the moment I have no particular wish to have it printed, but If I can perfect the shape I might offer it to the poetry mag editor at Bucknell U., who is an old friend.

Thanks lots,

Wiley C.

[Jayne Osborn]

It looks good, Wiley.

I think something like this would be great on the Drills & Amusements board.

I might start a thread... unless anyone else wants to? I'm quite heavily tied up with other (non-Spherean) matters at the moment.

Jayne

[Golias]

Hi again, Jayne,

Let's let this one go in the shape of a broaad spear point downward. I have it the right way in Microsoft word and with the first side moving by three letters per line, the left side is only a little rough climbing back up. I think this shape is a better symbol of sharp decline and hopeful early recovery. Maybe not too likely in real life, but I think it works well on the page.

I am reading some of your work on line and I am amazed at your versatility. I don't write much light verse myself, but now and then a little something strikes, like this one:

Caterpillar

How fortunate that I was hatched
a handsome woolly worm in
a tree with tender leaves to eat
and not some naked vermin
like that wriggler down below
whose life is but a term in
blindness, deafness, eating crud
with only mud to squirm in.

This is from one of my own little books. Mostly I am more serious. The folks in this other forum don't seem to want to comment on my poems, but that's probably because of a controversy I was involved in here years ago when I defended the late Leo Yankevich. That's OK, a lot of members read my stuff and at age 92 bit of shunning doesn't bother me.

Best,

Wiley (Golias)

[Jayne Osborn]

Thank you for your kind words about my poems, Wiley. I'm glad you're enjoying reading some of them. Light verse is great in these dark times. I hope to see you sometime on the D & A board It's fun there.

I think you're amazing for 92!

All the best,
Jayne

[Ann Drysdale]

I think you have it, Wiley - a spear pointing downwards. I know that's hard to achieve with the way the Sphere posts, but what you can do is use full stops instead of spaces till the words lie right and then highlight all those full stops, choose "white" from the colour selector, so that they disappear. First with the full stops visible...

Projected federal deficit spending, trade imbalances impending
.....and great unlikelihood of mending make it nearly sure
...........our dollar’s value would dramatically decline.
...............An unemployed working man may pay
...................two hundred for a bottle of wine
.......................and buy no more than two
..........................eighty-one dollar eggs
..............................for a hungry wife
.................................and his child
....................................who begs

and here it is with the full stops changed to white:

Projected federal deficit spending, trade imbalances impending
.....and great unlikelihood of mending make it nearly sure
...........our dollar’s value would dramatically decline.
...............An unemployed working man may pay
...................two hundred for a bottle of wine
.......................and buy no more than two
..........................eighty-one dollar eggs
..............................for a hungry wife
.................................and his child
....................................who begs

You could even add a tail to it so it ends in an actual "point".