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  #1  
Unread 02-23-2021, 12:57 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Default Elan (Moved from Non-Metrical)

REVISION

When it comes to chic and cheerful 60s motors,
Mrs Peel’s Lotus

takes some beating. What other hero’d
look so at ease on an English B-road,

putting in the languid miles
from Chelsea to Chalfont St Giles,

Moreton-in-Marsh or Minterne Parva
to sort out some palaver?

A telephone box, a village green,
a pub, and some fiendish machine

that could cause us all a spot of bother,
of one sort or another,

will come together, coalesce:
it will all look a bit of a mess

for a while, but she will sort it out.
When she has fought it out,

seen off the bad job lot of them,
she’ll cap it with some apothegm –

nothing too highbrow,
lest Steed should raise an urbane eyebrow,

like God the Father, gently reproving
the energetic Child too passionately moving

through the fallen world that might
be put right, but not wholly right.

ORIGINAL

When it comes to chic and cheerful 60s motors,
Mrs Peel’s Lotus

takes some beating. What other hero’d
look so at ease on an English B-road,

putting in the languid miles
from Chelsea to Chalfont St Giles,

Moreton-in-Marsh or Minterne Parva
to sort out some palaver?

A telephone box, a village green,
a pub, and some fiendish machine

that could cause us all a spot of bother,
of one sort or another,

will come together, coalesce:
it will all look a bit of a mess

for a while, but she will sort it out.
When she has fought it out,

seen off the bad job lot of them,
she’ll cap it with some apothegm –

nothing too highbrow,
lest Steed should raise an urbane eyebrow.

Last edited by David Callin; 02-27-2021 at 12:45 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 02-23-2021, 01:04 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Hi David,

Ah, I fondly remember The Avengers.

This belongs in Metrical. Would you like me to move it there?

Jayne
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  #3  
Unread 02-23-2021, 01:10 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Hi Jayne.

So do I! (You may have guessed.)

Does it, though? I thought it didn't quite meet the criteria for Metrical, with the varying line lengths - and varying metre too, really (although mostly iambic, I know).

So I leave it to you to decide, one way or the other.

And I hope you're well.

Cheers

David
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  #4  
Unread 02-23-2021, 05:19 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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I thought it was more metrical than non-metrical, and it rhymes, which a lot of non-metrical poems don't - but it's not critical either way.

I suppose everyone's more used to seeing your work on this board, so let's leave it here for now, ...I can always move it later, if need be.

And yes, I'm fine, thanks David. I hope all's well with you and yours too. I miss flying over to the Isle of Man, though it's wonderful having my son and his family living close by.

Jayne
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  #5  
Unread 02-24-2021, 12:33 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Jayne. Yes, I think I'm quite happy in this nice shady part of the wood.

Glad you've got your family close by now.

Cheers

David
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  #6  
Unread 02-24-2021, 04:01 PM
Joe Crocker Joe Crocker is offline
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Some of the lines almost have the rhythm of the Avengers theme tune
DUM dum DUM dum DUM dum DIDdle DUM

The best of which is L1 of the penultimate couplet.
"for a while, but she will sort it out."

I'd love to hear them all follow that rhythm. A strict metre might suit it.

Steed's "urbane eyebrow". Great stuff..
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  #7  
Unread 02-25-2021, 09:38 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
.

David, Though I am far from being a car enthusiast nor am I an Avengers fan, I can't help but fall in love with the romance of the imagery. There is a palpable joie de vivre (another manifestation of elan). I actually get a sense of Camelot or even a moveable Eden with an element of danger or at least adventure (when you factor in the Avengers). The fact that I am largely ignorant of the TV show and indifferent to the lure of exotic automobiles allows me the vicarious freedom to experience a leisurely (languid miles is magnificent) joyride through the English countryside.

I was in Scotland recently and drove the one-lane roads from Glasgow to somewhere north of Ullapool. Not exactly a languid experience, but unique nonetheless.

I think the couplets and rhymes work well.
I think you do have an opportunity to elevate this to be more than a harkening back/reminiscence of a beloved TV series, either by shortening it or lengthening it. But why bother? It’s a joyous ride.


.
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  #8  
Unread 02-26-2021, 10:25 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Joe. You're right about the theme tune likeness! I hadn't realised that, and I hadn't intended it, but from now on I shall maintain that I did.

I'm going through a phase of staying away from strict metre - especially IP. It too often brings out the fustian in me, and I sink, slowly expiring in a golden haze of perdum-perdummery.

And thank you for your very generous response to the poem, Jim.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Moonan View Post
[I actually get a sense of Camelot or even a moveable Eden with an element of danger or at least adventure (when you factor in the Avengers).
And you've never seen the programme? I think that's a brilliant summation of it.

I do rather want this to remain only a joyous celebration of something from my childhood that I love, but if you were to force me to attempt to elevate it - oh go on then - this is what I came up with overnight, probably unwisely, to follow on from where it now leaves off ...

like God the Father, gently reproving
the energetic Child too passionately moving

through the fallen world that might
be put right, but not wholly right.


There it is. You made me do it. Happy now?

Cheers

David
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  #9  
Unread 02-27-2021, 08:01 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
I'm flattered and a little alarmed that you would engage my suggestion to tinker with an already complete poem.... My mother used to say, usually on a twice or thrice daily basis, "If so-and-so walked off a cliff would you follow him?"

I think the additional two couplets are fantastic. You literally elevated it (I see the gray-bearded God looking down from a gray-bearded cloud from high above — very much in keeping with the romantic motif of the poem's voice) as well as elevated the conceit. — while still keeping the whole thing light and pithy.

The two additional couplets take nothing away from the joyride/elan produced by a memory, yet brings the reader "out" of the memory and engages them in feeling some gravitas that can be felt when one harkens back and measures the depth of "then" and "now".

I think you should add the two couplets to the poem and see what others think — Come on! Climb in and take this poem for another spin. It's spiffy couplet-style and sleek contoured rhymes will ultimately win, imo.

I do remember the show, though couldn't develop a taste for the ultra-British style that emanated from it. I was just a child and it felt too grown-up for me. Still does. (I'm still a child — not always in a good way!)


-----

Checking back in to say that the gravitas of the two couplets you conjured at my request might be best clumped into a quatrain. It would signal a break from the dream/memory/past.

like God the Father, gently reproving
the energetic Child too passionately moving
through the fallen world that might
be put right, but not wholly right.



Btw, the meter/rhymes/conceit of the above lines are are as lplayfully yrical as anything I've read here recently. It's headed towards being a sonnet — but don't let it.
.
.
.

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 02-27-2021 at 11:09 AM.
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  #10  
Unread 02-27-2021, 12:49 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Wait. What am I doing here? Well, Jayne has persuaded me that this is more metrical - or at least less non-metrical - than I originally thought it was, and has kindly moved it here. Into the big school.

I was quite happy with it as it first was, a simple joyous celebration of The Avengers of my youth, but Jim challenged me to try to turn it into something more daring and more surprising. So that's what I've tried to do. Perhaps unwisely. But if the unwisdom is clear in the revision, at least I've got my innocent original to keep me warm on these long cold nights.

Cheers all anyway

David
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