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  #21  
Unread 07-10-2019, 01:07 AM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
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The version with "I".
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  #22  
Unread 07-10-2019, 01:56 AM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Aaron,

This is excellent. I also much prefer the version with ‘I.’ I was especially impressed by how far you improved upon
Death, when it struck, was orange, a Bengal
suddenness, and the sacrifice, ragdoll,
spoke on the cat's behalf, in crimson writing
which was already good with the following:
Death, when it struck, was orange, a Bengal
suddenness, and a cursive crimson scrawl
came spurting out, as if the cat were writing,
About the last line “Doomed for a long time, I will go down fighting.” I understand easily enough why the tigers should be doomed, but I could not reconcile why they should be for a long time. Since that would mean that after the time, however long, they would no longer be doomed. Would they not be doomed for the rest of time though instead of only a period of time? For what it is worth, the denotation of that phrase did not seem to accord with what I thought was being implied for the species.

Cheers,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 07-10-2019 at 02:17 AM.
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  #23  
Unread 07-10-2019, 07:01 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, all.

I have gone back to the first-person version and made a few revision.

Erik, by "for a long time" I mean "for many years." Bengal Tigers have been endangered for a long time now. I am still looking at other things I could do with the first half of the last line. I am open to suggestions.

What do we say?
Is this piece done?
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  #24  
Unread 07-10-2019, 07:16 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Hi Aaron,

Well, one can always keep tinkering! I sometimes find myself re-jigging very old poems...

But on the whole, this one seems good to go, I'd say.

Jayne
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  #25  
Unread 07-10-2019, 07:52 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

"as if the cat were writing" is just lovely. So much so, in fact, that I'd put a period after it. My only remaining nit.

Cheers,
John
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