Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 07-11-2019, 10:30 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,430
Default Connections

A belt can be a bell

I bought this leather band
in San Juan with Julian.
Each time I put it on,
the memory of his smile
echoes and rings and I
recall the belt I wore
before; it had been my
mother's. After she died,
Dad took me to her
closet; he only cried
later, when the tolling
of her loss of memory
had faded, and he could
once more remember
her remembering.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 07-12-2019, 05:47 AM
Jim Hayes Jim Hayes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Kilkenny, Kilkenny, Ireland
Posts: 4,919
Default

I’m not sure about the memory of a smile ‘echoes and rings, Martin, otherwise I quite like this poignant treatment of your mothers dementia.
Particularly your father’s loss is touching in your telling.

Kind regards
Jim
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 07-13-2019, 11:31 PM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,424
Default

Martin, I find the poem beginning with “I /recall the belt I used to wear”: before that, the names and details seem meaningless, except to someone very close to the N, which I’m not, so it isn’t clear they are relevant to the father and his wife’s lost memory and N’s recalling it. And the band bought is not a belt, so it’s a strained analogy and connection for me. Maybe a different lead-in? Otherwise, a poignant short poem.
__________________
Ralph

Last edited by RCL; 07-13-2019 at 11:33 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 07-14-2019, 11:24 AM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,430
Default

Thank you Jim and Ralph,
I have been struggling with this one. I think I posted prematurely. The title was originally the first line. I still like it. And I think the ending has some good bits. But the rest needs to be torn down and rebuilt from scratch.

Thanks again!

Martin
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 07-14-2019, 01:26 PM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Sunnyvale, CA
Posts: 1,587
Default

Since you're considering starting from scratch on this, I'll share my reaction, which I had thought unhelpful. (It may be nothing but what you're already thinking.)

Julian and his smile seem a distraction. I don't doubt that they lead you (or N) to Mom, but they're not helpful to me as a reader.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 07-14-2019, 02:26 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,327
Default

Martin, I wish I had helpful suggestions. I only want to say that there is something deep powerful here. Keep working on it till you get it perfectly expressed.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 07-15-2019, 01:59 AM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,430
Default

Max and Aaron,
thanks for the encouragement. I am not planning to drop this one, but I expect it will take a while.

Thanks again. Let's let this slide.

Martin
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,017
Total Threads: 19,926
Total Posts: 255,076
There are 181 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online