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  #11  
Unread 06-27-2019, 01:14 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Mark,

“Rejected” is telly, I agree. I chose it because 1.) it is a semi-humorous interpretation of the two preceding lines and 2.) it is active in its line—Sam has been “rejected” (“thrown back”) and how far will he go. I am willing to be talked out of it. I would need to find something as good or better to go there.

Jayne,
I accept both of your suggestions. I will revise to “Um. . . marry me?” at your and Ann’s suggestion. I will use your suggested white space at the end.

I would be willing to go for a woman’s name in place of “Um.” I would just need to find the right monosyllabic one:

Sue, marry me?

Ann, marry me?

Jayne, marry me?

Hmn

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-27-2019 at 01:18 AM.
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  #12  
Unread 06-27-2019, 12:30 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Aaron P. is a great keeper of secrets, though he does love laughter. So, I will reveal, despite his surface frown, that “Umn” is an actual woman’s name popular in the Upper Sorbian language area (known to many as Wendish), that is based on the unattested Base “Un” {/meaning} “located” or “found” with the infix “m” that alters it to mean “profound”.

It is not believed to be related to the Upper Chehalis word “uMn” that means “fox who lived beyond the river and had pointy ears”.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 06-28-2019 at 12:37 AM.
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  #13  
Unread 06-30-2019, 10:07 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
Umn
Nmu
Mun

Hun

Why not Umm...? Either way, I like the vulnerability of it. There is also a hint of hesitancy.

I remember that poem, Mark. She knew that night, right?

The rhythm of the final stanza is fantastic.
x
x
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  #14  
Unread 06-30-2019, 08:50 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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I agree with Ann on "predestined," and I don't buy your response to her. First of all, it doesn't sound like it's subjective to him. Rather, it sounds like the all-knowing narrator's word. Also, even if it is subjective to him, she has told him no in no uncertain terms and he doesn't seem like he is failing to take the rejection seriously.
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  #15  
Unread 07-01-2019, 01:53 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
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Hmm. So what you mean to suggest is that Sam had taken the future for granted. If you want it to be subjective, you could use "accepted" instead of "predestined", which would chime rather sweetly with "rejected". It brings on a bit of merry head-fiddling.

But if that's a twist too far, could you consider presupposed?
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  #16  
Unread 07-01-2019, 04:14 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Jim, I like "Umm" and "Umn" but I suspect too many readers will find them monosyllabic women's names. Hmn.

Roger and Ann,

I see your point. Everyone, what do we prefer for line fifteen?

And she, his predestined children's mother,

And she, his accepted children's mother,

and she, his children's imagined mother,

and she, his children's presupposed mother,

?
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  #17  
Unread 07-01-2019, 06:33 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Aaron,

I'm not keen on any. Definitely not options 3 or 4, because they suggest weirdly that he already has children and they consider their mother to be either imaginary or 'presupposed', whatever that might mean. And 2 also awkwardly suggests that he already has children but that he only 'accepts' the ones he had with her.

What about 'his future children's mother' and then try a word other than 'future' on the next line.

And she, his future children’s mother,
his contentment’s beginning and end,


perhaps.

(I was thinking 'unborn children's mother', but that would maybe complicate matters by suggesting she was already pregnant)

Or, if you're worried that 'future' still sounds like the voice of the omniscient N, how about 'longed-for children's mother'. But I think 'future' gets rid of that problem because I can imagine Sam (Um...marry me?) saying 'future' more than 'predestined'.
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  #18  
Unread 07-01-2019, 09:15 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Mark.

Yes, I think simplest is best for line 15: "and she, his future children's mother"

For line 16 I will go for "fulfillment's beginning and end"

Best,

Aaron
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  #19  
Unread 07-02-2019, 03:05 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Yup, lovely. And I think you know North Dakota.

Cheers,
John
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  #20  
Unread 07-02-2019, 06:09 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I'm glad you liked my suggestions and have used them.

I agree with you that And she, his future children’s mother, is the best phrase for L15.

... and I'm tickled pink that I can truthfully say that a good-looking American man has posted "Jayne, marry me?" on the Internet.
I shall tell some all of my friends.... (Never mind that I've taken the words entirely out of context! )

I knew a couple called Bill and Jill once; would the name ''Pam'' be too silly to go with Sam?

Jayne
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