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  #21  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:24 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Jim,

Quote:
What I strenuously object to is the peevish and mean spirited description of being ‘juvenile’ ascribed to it seconded by McDonnell. Immoderate indeed.
As you know, Max didn't say the poem was juvenile. He said

Quote:
As a serious comment, the poem is juvenile.
In his initial post he had described it as a 'cute joke'. To which you responded:

Quote:
Max, the thing is, it’s not a joke, alright it’s coached as a joke until the end when it’s deadly serious.
I’ve witnessed , as I’m sure have many others, some appalling workplace sexual harassment expressed and excused as a joke and worse, believed by the perpetrators to be a joke.
So Max was responding to this. In other words, as light verse this poem might be 'cute', but as a serious comment on sexual harassment (which is how you seem to want it to be read) it's juvenile. And I agreed with him. Quite moderately, I thought.

The problem is, you don't seem to know what you want this poem to be.
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  #22  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:31 PM
Jim Hayes Jim Hayes is offline
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Duplicated

Last edited by Jim Hayes; 07-08-2019 at 01:46 PM.
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  #23  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:35 PM
Jim Hayes Jim Hayes is offline
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And the bus has another passenger- quel surprise!
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  #24  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:46 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Come on, guys... Can we move on now, please?

It seems there was some confusion as to your original intent with this, Jim, hence one or two of the remarks...

But let's get back to the poem; it would be good to see a revision when you're ready, as you're happy to take on board some of the suggestions. I look forward to seeing what you do with this.

Jayne
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  #25  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:47 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Jim, you seem to be confusing 'taking the moral high ground' with 'patiently explaining the obvious' because that's all I just did.

Oh, and every comment you get isn't going to live up to some Platonic ideal of what your memory tells you the DE was like back in the good old days. Move on. Live in the Now.
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  #26  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:51 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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We cross-posted, Mark, but I think it's time to stop dissecting what everyone said previously. (I'm not getting at anyone in particular, I hasten to add!)

Jayne
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  #27  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:53 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Suits me, Jayne.
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  #28  
Unread 07-08-2019, 01:59 PM
Jim Hayes Jim Hayes is offline
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Thanks Jayne.
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  #29  
Unread 07-08-2019, 05:36 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Jim,
This is perhaps a bit of a diversion, but Beckett in his curious combinatoric novel Watt explores a large number of variants of this affliction. From memory I recall inverting the order of words in the sentence, inverting the order of letters in the words, the order of phrases in the sentence, and perhaps as well the order of sentences in a paragraph, and then all the 15 possible combinations of these inversions. Since all versions then make some kink of sense in both their deciphered and undeciphered form, it is quite a tour-de-force.

As for the poem, in S1 I recommend some tweaks along lines suggested by others:

There was a young man who possessed an affliction
wherein first encounters dismantled his diction,
when engaging in small talk it’s not that he lacked words
but was strangely compelled to assemble them backwards.

I agree with Mark that "petrified" is an odd choice, and think that the penultimate line's meter differs too much from the rest.

Martin
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  #30  
Unread 07-08-2019, 05:54 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Martin: "I agree with Mark that "petrified" is an odd choice ..."
To my mind, someone who's petrified is unlikely to close with the poem's sendoff. It seems psychologically unlikely. Stupefied, sure.

Cheers,
John
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