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  #11  
Unread 08-09-2019, 01:43 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Good morning Ashley,

And thank you for your thoughts! Glad you enjoyed the piece in general, and I've adopted your never suggestion. To my ear, the word poetry scans better than poems, and your Neruda idea raises some interesting points. First, I think it's very cute. Second, Cindy categorically doesn't like ANY poetry, that's kind of the point, and I lose that with the alternative ending. Third, the remark, while brilliant, was to my mind best said in the VP debate of 1988 by Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senato...o_Jack_Kennedy
Fourth, I'm sorry but I feel Neruda is massively overrated, and don't really want to further that. His fame kind of reminds me of that of Charles Bukowski. People read him and go "Oh yeah, dude, poetry! Far out!" Or Rupi Kaur, for that matter. I'm not saying he writes all crap, I'm saying that as in the case of the Mona Lisa, the Louvre has several other paintings folks might enjoy.

Thanks for making me think,
John
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  #12  
Unread 08-09-2019, 11:28 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I like this too. I have not read all the comments, but in case no one's mentioned it, I find one line to sound slightly out of place tone-wise:

so don’t expect to find exceptions here

It doesn't sound conversational like the others, not as childlike or light. I'm thinking something like

and don't expect to catch me up on that

might work. Or something else more idiomatic than "find exceptions".

The final sentence really does clinch the poem nicely

Andrew
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  #13  
Unread 08-09-2019, 11:31 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Thank you, Andrew. You are quite right, that line will need revising. Not sure what to, as yet. But it must go.

Cheers, and thanks for the nudge,
John

Update: I've reread my verses and taken your suggestion almost word for word. Thank you, Andrew!

Last edited by John Isbell; 08-14-2019 at 06:19 AM.
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  #14  
Unread 08-18-2019, 03:43 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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don't expect me to catch up on that. It's slightly more musical too. Even works for a precocious child. Imo, you're in kind of a weird area, which is probably good. I read your explanation, but I like Mark's better. Consider making the speaker a child, which maybe shouldn't be too apparent. Opens up some pretty great possibilities I think. For me, it gives the poem dimension and makes it more interesting. Like visiting your child because you're divorced, for example. But, whatever. I just believe the simple, direct language needs some refraction of some sort. I do like it, but I want to wack it like an old tv to get the picture right.

And I can't believe it's been over a week since someone commented on non-met. I'm not always here/paying attention, but I don't recall a longer stretch.
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