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  #1  
Unread 05-18-2019, 03:24 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Default Elegiac Couplet

Ages of Man

Our age is neither gold nor iron, but children’s teeth
.....hung on politicians’ doors like wreaths.
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  #2  
Unread 05-18-2019, 04:30 PM
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Not yet ready to evaluate, but I wonder if "hung" should be "hang."
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Unread 05-18-2019, 04:35 PM
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It has to be "hung", Ralph.

Is our age gold? No. Is our age iron? No. Our age is children's teeth hung on politician's doors like wreaths.

I like this, Andrew, but can't help but feel that the imperfect rhyme is a disappointment. I also can't think of any solution that's not worse than the problem as it currently stands.
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Unread 05-18-2019, 04:40 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron Novick View Post
I also can't think of any solution that's not worse than the problem as it currently stands.
Thanks Aaron.

That's why I posted it: I want that rhyme to be perfect and I've been strategizing for weeks on how to get it there to no avail.

Ralph, I look forward to your comments.

Last edited by Andrew Szilvasy; 05-18-2019 at 04:42 PM.
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Unread 05-18-2019, 04:44 PM
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The best I'm thinking of is something like this:
hung on [X's -- one beat] door, a [modifier -- one beat] wreath
But that's going to lose the directness of this one, and you'd have to think of just the right X and just the right modifier to make it even begin to work.

Hard problem.
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Unread 05-18-2019, 04:52 PM
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Got it, but it still feels awkward. As Mike Juster would say in the early days of the Sphere (very often to me), keep banging on it!

I see that gold an silver have dental associations: teeth of our children are pulled? My inner Freudian then thinks: castrated?
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Unread 05-18-2019, 05:10 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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hung on a statesman's door just like a wreath

hung up as a politician's wreath

decorating statesmen's doors as wreaths

adorning doors, a politician's wreath
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Unread 05-18-2019, 05:21 PM
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The fourth works for me.
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Unread 05-18-2019, 05:53 PM
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The fourth works for me as well.

I wonder if you tried switching the rhymes? I'm guessing so. At any rate, "age" is singular, so that goes with "wreath." It opens up other possibilities, at least, such as "The age adorns our door - a twisted wreath / that politicians wove of children’s teeth," etc. That doesn't have the punch of what you've managed already, but it's a way to go if you're not satisfied.

Best,

Ed

Last edited by Ed Shacklee; 05-18-2019 at 06:31 PM.
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Unread 05-18-2019, 06:34 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Andrew,

For me, "a politician's wreath" reads like the politician has died, which I don't think is the intention.

Just to complicate matters. I wonder if you can get the word 'yellow' in somehow to follow on from gold and iron as being the colour of our age, yellow for decaying teeth, and also for cowardice. Not sure how you'd fit it in though.

Our Age

is neither gold nor iron, but yellow: children’s teeth
.....decay on politicians’ doors like wreaths.

But that's a fudge on the metre of L1 and the integrity of the couplet. And still doesn't give a perfect rhyme.

Matt
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