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  #1  
Unread 08-19-2019, 07:27 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Default Sonnet

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“Δεν τώρα μπορώ, αλλά σε ενά λεπτό.”
xxxxxxxxxxShe says, “Not now. But in a minute.”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(Great Headlights, Brake Lights Too)


The times I care the most and yet I wait:
Your structure, warm and springy near my own,
Original equipment, up-to-date
With furnishings to make a sculptor moan—
Up there at Olympic-level spelling bees,
The way you purr,!those tendons in your knees,!
Where all the gods shout out in threes and fours
While tasting ambrosial nectar unalloyed
From plashing beakers as Hephaestos pours
That godly drink that Homer’s songs declare.
Then, as you answer, my heartbeat slows to stare,
And if you gaze away I am destroyed —
What if a hundred Greeks can share my sighs
When you, my muse, stand tall and meet my eyes.!


Changes:
Original order of LL 5,6 switched to LL 6,5.
Exclamation marks removed from lines 6 and 5, and last line.
L2 "structure" was 'chassis"
L3 "equipment" was a plural form ("equipments")
L6 "The way" was "That way"
L7 “threes and fours" was “pairs and fours”
L10 "That" was "The"

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-25-2019 at 08:01 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 08-20-2019, 05:03 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I have to ask: did this come to you almost fully formed in one big rush?

Much much to praise about flow and lavishness.

Here are some thoughts about smoothing, but first I also enjoy that this could be a real woman who serves as a muse, or the muse herself, poetry itself. That's really tasty.

The times I care the most and yet I wait:
-->The conflict between what I think you want to say and what the meter will allow isn't fully solved yet in this first line, but is totally solvable and critical to solve.

Do you mean "the times I care the most [for]" ? Or "[At] the[se] times I care the most" ? --is the subject the times or your care...

Your chassis, warm and springy near my own,
Original equipments, up-to-date
With furnishings to make a sculptor moan—

-->the pace and pull and rhyming pressure release at this point is exquisite.

-->equipmentS ? plural?

That way you purr! Those tendons in your knees!
Up there at Olympic level spelling bees,
Where all the gods shout out in pairs and fours

-->for rhymescheme it seems the order of lines above must be preserved; however, the introduction of spelling bees is really, really sudden and might work in better were the last two of three lines snipped immediately above were reversed. With a 'some' and/or maybe an 'as if at some' worked in.. ? The zaniness with which the line surprises though. It does have its own inimitable value.

While tasting ambrosial nectar unalloyed

-->unalloyed is a great choice. great.
-->to my ear, a slight stumble with the TASTing ambrosial: the two unstressed syllables meeting. Something like "We taste ambrosial nectar..." smoothes the meter, but changes the sense in a way that might not be desirable. There might be better options.

From plashing beakers as Hephaestos pours

-->plashing: another great choice for texture

The godly drink that Homer’s songs declare.
Then, as you answer, my heartbeat slows to stare,

-->extra beat in "Then, as you answer..." line. Love the heartbeat melded into the eyes. Try starting the line, "As you reply, my heartbeat". Again, like the above suggestion it loses the sense of present continuous action to a certain degree, but illustrates the smoothing out at least.

And if you gaze away I am destroyed —
What if a hundred Greeks can share my sighs
When you, my muse, stand tall and meet my eyes!

-->Almost Keatsian in the close.
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  #3  
Unread 08-20-2019, 10:24 AM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Well Daniel, as to your first question, the saucier’s secret sauce is a saucy secret.

There are many lesser tinkerings you mention, but reversing the original order of LL 5 & 6 to LL 6 & 5 looks good right off. Done.
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  #4  
Unread 08-20-2019, 04:49 PM
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Have taken out exclamation marks to lower this to room temperature.
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  #5  
Unread 08-21-2019, 07:13 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Daniel, your further suggestions are reasonable and well thought out, but for the time being at least I’m not going to make more changes. This muse is in front of an unruly crowd at a spelling bee on Mount Olympus and is spitting out flawless answers for impossibly abstruse posed challenges: for example, spell the three “common” English words that each contain three letter “y”s: syzygy; polydactyly; ....
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  #6  
Unread 08-23-2019, 10:24 PM
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L7 is now “threes and fours”.
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  #7  
Unread 08-24-2019, 07:00 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Allen my man,

I like the sound of this but find that the automobile imagery ("chassis,"
"purr," etc.) early on does not sit well with the Greco-Roman stuff that follows.

My reaction was: that Allen is pretty charming, but WTF?
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  #8  
Unread 08-24-2019, 09:23 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: cool, yes; frigid, no. Aaron, your concern is my concern also. I’ve wondered what, if anything, to do about this disconnect you sense. You’re familiar enough with 20th C. American poetry to see the metaphoric parallel at the beginning. OK, I will have to consider redoing that part. I’m not geared up for that this instant. It would have to be A-class Double Plus Subtle.
Thoughts?

Thank you.
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  #9  
Unread 08-24-2019, 11:04 AM
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Allen,

This has grown on me. And I like the rhyme scheme.


At first, cleaving so tightly to the car metaphor made the shift in line 5 to much of a jolt, but as I became accustomed, I see the metaphor extended into the Greek. It's never good to be knocked out of a poem on first read because of an objective to "sense" or meaning. Though it's a human response at some level.


Rick
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  #10  
Unread 08-25-2019, 07:06 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I like it *as is*, save maybe changing "That" to "The" in the current L6. (the nittiest of nits).

But Rick's comment got me to thinking about chariots, which are the word origin for car, if I'm not mistaken (lazy shooting from the hip). Might be a good transition there from cars to Olympus.
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