Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-13-2018, 03:48 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default Sideshow

Sideshow

Oh God, they have hoisted the scrim,
and the image of our age—
the rage, the wretch, the him
is there, grotesque, on stage.

Oh God, is it only a mirror?
Made out of millions of men,
unser geliebter Führer
again, God, God again.


. . . . .


Sideshow

Oh God, they have hoisted the scrim,
and the image of our age—
the rage, the wretch, the him
is there, grotesque, on stage.

Oh God, is it only a mirror?
Made out of millions of men,
unser geliebter Führer
again, again, again.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 09-14-2018 at 02:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-13-2018, 06:47 PM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Hunter Valley, NSW, Australia
Posts: 2,455
Default

Technically as expected Aaron but even though it is only an occasional piece there is little to chew on it was probably hackneyed the day after first utterance.

Jan
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-14-2018, 02:36 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

I have posted a version with a different final line. Which do we prefer?

Last edited by E. Shaun Russell; 09-14-2018 at 06:36 AM. Reason: Removing ad hom
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-14-2018, 03:48 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,224
Default

"We"? I don't think I deserve to be part of "we" because I'm out on my own here.

It does strike me as a bit of a squib, Aaron. The underlying reference to the Wizard of Oz is (to me) unmistakeable and so the ponderous reference to Nazism is a bit too much to take unless you leaven it with humour.

It's too small to accommodate both God and Hitler. Perhaps "Oh, look!" instead of calling upon the Almighty and "Our Beloved Leader" without resorting to German, which some of your readers will not have.

Any value this has is in the suddenness of the perception. The scrim is raised (whether by a cheeky mongrel or not is immaterial) and the man behind the curtain is seen for what he is.

To answer your question: both your endings feel a bit pompous. This needs wit, humour, incisive sarcasm - the feeling of "Uh-oh - here we go again!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-14-2018, 06:37 AM
E. Shaun Russell E. Shaun Russell is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 1,945
Default

Keep it civil and avoid ad hom, please.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,906
Total Threads: 19,281
Total Posts: 248,884
There are 125 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online