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Old 09-14-2018, 06:16 PM
Don Jones's Avatar
Don Jones Don Jones is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 1,018


I do like the rewrite for S1. Capitalize L3 of S1 and put commas after "papers" and after "flowers."

I second "selling papers." The extra beat with "selling" is fine. I would relax about the rhythm. Your rhymes can be quite slant (by no means a sin) though I assume that they are perfect rhymes in the original. Can I assume the rhythm is stricter in the original? If so, you can take liberty there as you have with the rhymes.

"Without interest" works.

As for

We don’t meddle in
........other peoples’ business--
as for our own, we
........know we don’t want to know.

I suggested

We don’t meddle in
........other peoples’ business.
As for our own, we
........know we don’t want to know.

It works grammatically and emphasizes the import of that line. It's clear that "other" and "own" are parallel.

In all, very nice.

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