[Glenn Wright]

Separation

Your words were sharp and quick,
not freighted with blame or pity.
You told your truth as if flicking a scalpel,
not wielding a machete.

And now, on the other side,
after the blood and bandages,
I wonder why I felt so little pain.
Thanks for being the one to do it.

I’ll heal. Maybe I’ll even get a tattoo
on the scar where we used to be connected.
————————
Edits:
S2L1: And now, all these days later, > And now, on the other side,

[David Callin]

It's almost metrical, Glenn! Would it be worth the extra effort to make it thoroughly so? (I think it might.)

It would be the final couplet that would be the most difficult at adapt, but that might need a little work anyway. (I'm puzzling over the scar-based connection - probably wrongly.)

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

Like David, I find this quite metrical (and I took pity and machete as intended rhymes.) I think it loses that metrical quality in lines 7, 8 and 10, so maybe they could be tightened to fit better.

As regards the theme, I took it that the speaker was one of a pair of Siamese twins (or else a former lover, with the idea of Siamese twins being a metaphor for the relationship). I'm not sure if Siamese twins is what you had in mind, but if it is, I say you could delve deeper into it, explore how society reacted to the twins before they were separated.

Best of luck with it.

Trev

Separation

Your words were sharp and quick,
not freighted with blame or pity. [How about "unfreighted"?]
You told your truth as if flicking a scalpel,
not wielding a machete. [This line feels a bit weak]

And now, all these days later,
after the blood and bandages,
I wonder why I felt so little pain.
Thanks for being the one to do it. [This line also feels weak to me]

I’ll heal. Maybe I’ll even get a tattoo
on the scar where we used to be connected.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, David and Trev—

Thanks for your helpful responses, gentlemen.

My intent was to create something like a “thank you note” in which the N thanks his former lover for making a clean, uncomplicated end to their relationship, which both knew had run its course. I had him begin in a sprightly, ballad-like rhythm, as if to suggest that he is carefree and unaffected by the trauma of the breakup. The rhythmic mask slips a bit in S2, and he admits to some blood and pain. His remark that the breakup didn’t hurt very much should make the reader wonder if the N is being completely honest. The last two lines suggest that he is trying to conceal his real anguish, and when he heals, he will hide the scar with a tattoo, commemorating the relationship and celebrating its demise with a picture of his choosing. Apparently my attempt missed the target. Maybe “Thank You Note” would be a better title to telegraph my goal.

David—I’ll think about whether it might be better either to approach the whole poem as metrical or, alternatively, to break up the rhythm and rhyme in S1.

Trev—Something like conjoined twins, or perhaps parasitism is what I had in mind. I did not mean for the connection and surgery to be taken literally, but I did want to suggest that there was something unhealthy about the relationship that required a surgical correction. I want to keep “not freighted” in S1L2 to make an anaphora echo with “not wielding” in S1L4. I thought about using “brandishing” instead of “wielding.” Your thoughts?

I appreciate your generous weighing in. Thanks again, both.

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

No problem at all. Brandishing and wielding are pretty much equally suitable, in my opinion. While brandishing might fit better rhythmically in that line, the word wielding has a more curt quality that fits better in another way.

To me, it seemed like the speaker of the poem felt wounded in the first stanza rather than thankful. I don't think that's any harm, as you could then create a good sense of development in the thoughts/emotions of the speaker. As it is, I think it's much too short to get across what you're trying to convey based on your explanation. I think you should write a lot more and see if anything interesting comes of it that you can use. Give us different stanzas reflecting the varied emotions that come from a break-up: nostalgia, sadness, fear, relief, hope(?) (this could be hope of meeting the person again or hope of meeting someone new, for example)

I'm not sure "Thank You" is the right title, especially if you do decide to explore other emotions/feelings. Also, if you want to move away from a literal interpretation of this as Siamese twins, I think you need to get rid of the blood and bandages. Then, you would have a subtler hint at Siamese twins that lends itself to a metaphorical interpretation. That make sense?

Trev

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

I thought about how to make it clearer that the N has mixed feelings about the breakup. He appreciates that his ex-lover was honest, direct, and definite in the same way a person undergoing a surgical procedure wants his surgeon to make it as painless as possible. He seems to understand that the surgery was necessary, even thanking the ex-lover for taking the initiative. The tattoo could be interpreted as either celebratory or as an attempt at concealment.

I feel as though everything the N wants to say about his feelings regarding the breakup is either stated or implied by the similes comparing it to surgery. I think the “blood and bandages” are needed to suggest that there was, indeed, some pain involved.

I appreciate you sharing your responses and will let the poem pickle for a few days to see when I come back to it with fresh eyes whether it needs another layer of feelings.

A bit of context: the impetus for this piece was an episode that happened many years ago when my oldest son broke up with his first serious girlfriend. He hadn’t seen it coming, and he wanted to try to fix it. My fatherly advice was to be polite, but to respect her decision and make a clean break.

Thanks again—

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hey again, Glenn.

Your explanation of the context opens the door for what seems to me a potentially more interesting angle on this theme: advice from a father to his son after the son's break-up. "Your" would become "her"; "I" would become "you", and "I" could involve new elements from the perspective of the father.

Just an idea. Might not be the direction you want.

Best of luck with this.

Trev

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

Interesting thought to make the N the father. I’m not sure my advice to my son was right, though. I wanted to spare him more hurt, but perhaps I should have held back on giving advice in this case. They didn’t get back together, but if they had, it would have put me in an awkward position.

I suspect that the girl realized that neither she nor my son was really ready for a mature, committed relationship, and that she feared they had become too dependent on each other to provide all emotional fulfillment (as so often happens in youthful relationships). That is what I wanted to suggest with the conjoined twin/parasitic imagery.

It ended happily for my son. He is happily married with two wonderful daughters, the older currently in college.

Thanks for your suggestions and for being my Constant Reader!

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

No problem, Glenn. My pleasure. I'm glad to hear about the happy ending :-)

Take care,

Trev

[Jayne Osborn]

Apparently my attempt missed the target.

Hi Glenn,
No, it didn't. I got this immediately, that it was a relationship breakup, the N having mixed feelings about it.
Coincidentally, this happened to my son, too, just before he went off to university. He was absolutely devastated when his girlfriend broke up with him (she was a year older and had a job, and met a man at work who could offer much more than a "schoolboy" boyfriend). She was adorable, though, and I was pretty gutted as well.

Like your son, mine is happily married - and has five children!

I think it would be better not to be quite so specific about the time scale. A scar takes a while to form, so, as a suggestion, instead of "all these days later", which is a very short time, how about something along these lines:

And now, looking back,
after the blood and bandages,
I wonder why I felt so little pain.
Thanks for being the one to do it.


I don't think the last line is weak... it shows the N isn't totally distraught if he's saying thanks - but I wondered whether another angle might be "thanks for having the strength to do it", or the courage, or something like that. "Thanks for being the one to do it" almost implies that he was also thinking of doing it, which wasn't the case.

Not to be sexist about it (ahem!) but as a woman, especially one who has had a similar experience, I might be looking at this differently. I must admit that the thought of conjoined twins didn't enter my head at all.

I like the brevity of the poem (and the title, as it happens), so I have to disagree with Trev (sorry, Trev!). I don't think it needs more detail.
The last two lines are cracking!

I hope some of this might help.

Jayne