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  #21  
Old 04-11-2018, 06:49 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Duncan,

I couple of lines that still strike me as metrically ambiguous:

dare I say, exceedingly superhuman. --> Until you hit "super" the the "ly" can just as well we elevated, and so the rhythm jolts for me. Also, "exceedingly" just doesn't strike me as right. Further, I still think the opening lines are ultimately lack the vivacity or sense of sexuality.

Sitting down right opposite you, he non-stop --> The line strikes me as entirely headless hexameter. the foot "osite you" doesn't have a strong enough final beat, so "site" is naturally elevated.

through my limbs, my ears start to buzz with ringing --> I worry about "ears start" being a bit ambiguous here, as each can naturally have the stress.


I'd work on the enjambment here, as I think it's too rough: out of my mouth, my
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  #22  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:04 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Not a critique here. In a small way, the act of translating the Latin text to this poem by Catullus in school was a task that ultimately led to the very post you are reading. It was, and remains even now in a very broad form, a powerful counterweight to physics, and it made a strong impression on me. Eventually, I decided to learn enough early Greek to understand the original by Sappho. Other writers came along the way. Now here I am. I'm very interested in what you do with it, Duncan, but I don't want to interfere. Excalibur!
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  #23  
Old 04-12-2018, 02:27 PM
Duncan Gillies MacLaurin's Avatar
Duncan Gillies MacLaurin Duncan Gillies MacLaurin is offline
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Points taken, Andrew, Thank you! Fourth revision posted.

Thanks, Allen. I, too, was fascinated by the task of translating Catullus 51 at a young age. I was 13. And I went on to study Ancient Greek the year after.

Duncan
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Old 04-12-2018, 06:55 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Certain young men, like you and me, can be swept away almost out to sea by that stuff. I was as hormonal as imaginable and crazy in love. Age 14. Nice girl too! Same Latin teacher. Amo, amas, amat.
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