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  #11  
Old 04-18-2018, 04:40 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Edward,

I think Andrew is on to something.

Cheers,
John
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  #12  
Old 04-18-2018, 11:19 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Andrew, many thanks! I've basically adopted your suggestions, which compelled a few other changes. You were right about the rhymes, and I like the opening much better now.

John, thanks for chiming in. Andrew was indeed on to something.
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  #13  
Old 04-18-2018, 12:34 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Edward, in L5, instead of "perfect charity" you might consider "great placidity," because the king is not so much kind as peaceful.

Susan
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2018, 02:21 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I like Susan's suggestion.

Also, I can see the pickle you're in in those opening lines with the demonstrative adjectives and relative pronouns stacking up:

That King in falling made a din that so distressed
. . . . Each dumb and fearful frog
. . . . Who dwelt within that bog
. . . . That they hid under weeds,

I'm sure you'll find ways to vary this more, but one thing that would help is to make the nex-to-last line here

Dwelling within the bog,

This way, you'd get rid of "Who" and one "that" plus vary the meter.

The last line here could also be tweaked to de-"that" it.
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  #15  
Old 04-20-2018, 07:22 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Edward,

Darn, Susan beat me to placidity. He is entirely pacifique, but has no emotion or cardinal virtue, being a log. So I like her idea.
Beyond that, I love your revised opening - it is zesty - and think this whole piece is very La Fontaine; he'd I think have been happy to be thus Englished.

Cheers,
John
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  #16  
Old 04-21-2018, 02:24 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Susan, thanks for the suggestion. You’ve nudged me to change “charity” and make another adjustment later on.

Andrew, I’ve been fiddling with this steadily offline, and I think my latest version avoids some of the problems that you’ve pointed out. I’ve posted it here now. But your comment did make me go back and produce a more faithful version of lines 7-11, so thanks again.

John, thanks for chiming in. I've gone in a slightly different direction, as you can see.
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  #17  
Old 04-21-2018, 05:13 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Edward,

Yup, I think serenity works for a log. I like your new opening quite a bit, but would change for to with here:

. . . The Frogs grew unimpressed
. . . . For their democracy

Cheers,
John
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  #18  
Old 04-21-2018, 09:39 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Thanks for pointing out that oversight, John. The change is made.
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