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Old 04-08-2018, 11:29 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Andrew F., I sense a contradiction in Rilke's feelings, since he cannot resist the love yet says that he would gladly escape from it. So "blissful" seems too positive to me. "Lovely," like "sweet," feels rather flat and generic, but it did suggest "gorgeous" to me, which might work, and I still have not ruled out "ravishing," which also has a double quality to it.

Susan
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Old 04-08-2018, 06:12 PM
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Michael F Michael F is offline
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Hi Susan,

What a wonderful Rilke poem. Your translation is very faithful to the German, and that seems justified: the core of the poem to me is the ambivalence or contradiction you signal, and the astoundingly good simile. You render it colloquially and effectively in English.

So if I have to pick nits: I hear 6 beats in L3 (I have to stress the Oh), and Im not sure how to scan L7 I want to hear 6 beats, thats the natural way for me to read the line. The German, I think, is pentameter until the last line, and it seems you want to replicate that. Also, a headless iamb could be an option in L10, as 'upon' to me smells a bit fusty - just a thought.

Likely as not Im confused on the meter, and Ill gladly take instruction. Anyway, delightful! -- from one who has felt that ambivalence.

M
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Old 04-08-2018, 10:53 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Michael, I am trying loose iambics, and that tends to confuse readers who are expecting strict iambics, but it is my way of trying to achieve a colloquial voice. I scan L3 like this:

YOU, toward Other THINGS? Oh, Id GLADly SET

I know that British readers give "toward" two syllables, so the headless iamb can accommodate the extra syllable, which leaves one anapest for "Oh, I'd glad," but I certainly can understand a reader's wanting to stress the "Oh" even though it is right after a stress. I scan L7 like this:

Yet EVryTHING that TOUCHes us, ME and YOU,

This also has one anapest. Though I could leave the "Oh" out of L3 and the "us" out of L7 and achieve regular iambics, the "oh" and the "us" are in the German, so I wanted to include them and the line felt comfortable to me with the anapests. I am still considering them, so it is helpful to hear that they threw you in terms of meter.

Susan
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:28 AM
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Michael F Michael F is offline
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Thanks, Susan, Im interested to learn how you heard it. I'm a big fan of substitutions, btw, for just the reason you give. I follow you on L7. On L3, I guess I heard it like this (toward as one syllable):

you toward / other / things? Oh / Id glad / ly set

iamb / trochee / spondee / iamb / iamb, if Ive got that right. I definitely can see making the first foot a trochee. I still want to hear the rest of the line as written above. I don't know if Im breaking metrical laws here just following my ear. Just FYI, as you consider the line.

M
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Old 04-09-2018, 09:48 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Michael, I use spondees sparingly, usually just as part of a double iamb, a pyrrhic-spondee pair. But I do subscribe to the idea of relative stress, in which I hear two strong stresses at different levels and count something as an iamb or trochee in the line.

Susan
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Old 04-09-2018, 11:19 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Sehr raffiniert, sehr schmeichelnd, sehr angenehm, sehr mild!
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