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Old 05-27-2018, 06:35 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Martin, you have a lot of experience in translating material like this, so take my comment with a grain of salt . . . But, it seems to me that in your effort to match the original syllable by syllable, the translation has a more literary feel than a song-like feel. I get this impression by looking at the crib, which seems much simpler syntactically and in terms of the words used.

The earth will turn, the weary sun will rise
before I’ll be able to close my eyes.
So I mope having lost all hope
that I’ll fall asleep.


seems fillerish compared to

The earth will turn around before
[Long before
long before]*
I will succeed in closing my eyes,
I myself no longer hope,
that I could sleep.


Again, I might be way off in this, so I’ll be curious about your and others’ thoughts about it.


Great to see you posting here again!

All best,

Andrew

Last edited by Andrew Frisardi; 05-27-2018 at 09:41 AM. Reason: got rid of repetitive wording
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  #12  
Old 05-28-2018, 10:54 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Andrew,
thank you so much for your thoughtful comments! Overall, the vocabulary of the song is not particularly plain--in places it is pretty literary; but you are right about the beginning. I will give it more thought. Another issue is that the first four syllables of the original S1L1 are strongly trochaic, whereas in my translation, they are strongly iambic. This won't be easy!

Thank you again!
Martin
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  #13  
Old 05-28-2018, 11:12 PM
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Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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If you want the translation to be sung, starting on an iamb or a trochee probably doesn't matter. For an iamb, you just start singing on an upbeat instead of a downbeat. No problem. The main problem is if downbeats in the middle of a phrase come on unstressed syllables, which sounds forced.

I'll try to do a quick recording tomorrow.
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Old 05-28-2018, 11:15 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Julie,
thank you for the expert input--but wouldn't I need to add or drop a syllable to make that work?

Martin

p.s. One small tweak added--expoiting -> robbing poor
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2018, 12:49 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Thumbs up on the "robbing poor" tweak, Martin. I'm curious what other changes might come about. I can see that the original is sophisticated. My comment was based on the sense that there were a lot of syllables to chew on in that opening, seemingly more so than in the original, though this is just an uninformed impression.
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Old 05-29-2018, 01:55 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Martin,

I love the double meaning of "poor Peter" as well; and it gives you robbing back. Nice revision.

Cheers,
John
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Old 05-29-2018, 10:32 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Andrew,
thank you for your useful input--the original has a lot of polysyllabic words which are easier to say quickly. I have an idea for a strange solution--adding an extra syllable:
(The) earth will turn and the weary sun will rise
The idea is that "(The)" will be sung like a grace note, with the stress on "earth"; then adding the extra "and" seems to smooth things out and make it less of a mouthful. Am I crazy or does that make sense?

John,
thank you for taking the time to come back, and for your support.

Again, thanks to you both!

Martin
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