I've read this a few times and I'll come back to it more. The images in the second half of the poem really work for me. The first three lines seem like throat clearing, and might serve to create an evocative title.
One thing that jumps out at me is that two of the words in lines 4 and 5:
it's as if the standard for night
has been undermined,
clash, because both take their origins from military terms, but those secondary meanings don't connect here. It feels like a place to change the simile to something like "it's as if night's rampart / has been undermined."