After having registered my impressions upon first reading, I have these observations to add. Again, I appreciate the ‘ liquid-slate’ image fine. Only ‘like the earth / sped up a billion times
’ rings no bell of recognized similitude in me; this is because the phenomenon compared is not real but a far-flung hypothetical never experienced. The effect of this simile then is to abstract rather than vivify the image.
I still have a reservation about ‘shadows salute their primes.’ It is, I fear, simply not clear enough to what exactly these terms are to correspond. For this reason, it reads more mushy than precise.
‘In quiet, all is speed’ hits a bullseye. I indeed hope you keep that memorable line.
I still appreciate the final image of being drawn by some mysterious power, finding it evocative. However, perhaps ‘bait’ is not the best simile for this. Bait smacks of that which serves as a lure to catch something, yet, unless I am mistaken, here you mean to evoke the motion of bait being dragged through the water without the narrator being analogous to a lure to fool and snag a fish.
Absentee whose imaginary
..........hands draw me on like bait
Yet the part about bait standing for a lure of some kind to catch prey is perhaps not so easily overridden but will inevitably color the import. To be sure, I still enjoy this poem, but I have these reservations to add to the one raised earlier. The other reservation that I did not get to before is the meter, but I will leave that for another post. I hope this helps.
One small suggestion, to take of leave, is to simply singularize ‘hands’. Though I am not completely sure, I wonder if the last sentence might be stronger simplified; if the propinquity
of ‘wheels’, ‘hands’, and ‘bait’ does not dilute the impact of all three. A thought anyway.
..........the imaginary hand
of some great Absentee
..........drawing me on