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  #1  
Unread 08-04-2019, 01:30 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx
cxxxxEntering the Bubble

Descending to the airport through sun or fog,
Or sitting in an auto or Amtrak car,
From thirty, even fifty miles away,

Unasked, a silent clarion can come
To say, “Hello! You’re back again (oh stay)
From that place you went to that’s so far!”
It’s like a friendly kiss from a lonely dog.

What chord is this among the static there?
He’s known it deep in tunnels once or twice,

Busy and forgiving. As if one knows
Exactly who he is, knows his aroma
And voice, and wonders what he might propose.

It’s such a welcome welcome, doubly nice,
From no one. What’s the drama? Oh why this care?



Changes:
All pronouns put into third person.

================
cxxInto the Cotillion Pavilion

Descending to the airport on a flight—
On interurban rail or by car—
From thirty, maybe fifty miles away,

Unasked, a silent clarion can lift
To him and say, “Hello, you’re back. Please stay.
I missed you a bit, annoying though you are.”
It’s like a yeasty muffin he could bite.

What chimes are those among the static there?
He’s heard them on the highway, several times

Lovely as a sunrise. As if one knows
Exactly who he is, knows him by heft
And choice, and wonders what he might propose.

They’re such a welcome welcome, these tiny rhymes
From no one. Oh what’s the drama? Why this care?


Versus


cxxInto the Cotillion Pavilion

Descending to the airport on a flight—
On interurban rail or by car—
From thirty, maybe fifty miles away,

Unasked, a silent clarion can rise
To him, proudly, “Hello, you’re back. Please stay.
I missed you a bit, annoying though you are.”
It’s like a yeasty muffin he could bite.

What chimes are those among the static there?
He's heard them on the highway, several times

Lovely as a sunrise. As if one knows
Exactly who he is, knows him by eyes
And choice, and wonders what he might propose.

They’re such a welcome welcome, these tiny rhymes
From no one. Oh what’s the drama? Why this care?







Possible changes:

L4 could be "lift", was “idle” OR “rise” OR “smile”, was “come”
L5 is "and say", was “with pride” OR “proudly”, was “and curtsy”, was “and say”, was “that says”; “stay.”, was “To him that says, “Hello, you’re back. Please stay!’”, was “To say, “Hello. You’re back again. Please stay!”
L6 is “a bit”, was “badly”
L7 is “muffin”, was “bread roll”, was “crumpet” (too twee)
L8 is “chimes”, was “bells”
L9 comma UNinserted following “highway”; was “on the highway”, was “deep in tunnels”; is “several times”, was “once or twice”
L10 is “as if one”, was “a voice that”, was “something”, was “the area”; is again “sunrise”, was “sunup”, was “sunrise”

LL11-12 is "heft", could be “skill / and choice”, were “eyes / and voice”, were “eyes / and comb”, was “name / and form”
L12 could be “and choice” OR “and voice”, was “or trust”, was or “or touch”, was “and wish”, was “choice”, was “smile”, was [!?] “comb”, was “form”
L13 is “these tiny rhymes”, was “doubly nice”
L14 is “what’s”, was “why”

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-27-2019 at 11:22 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 08-04-2019, 02:09 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Allen,

I enjoyed this. I like the yeasty crumpet. I like the bells in the static -- which I read as related to the welcome, but may not be -- and the remembering of them in tunnels, the idea of being greeted by a place you know, and the closing questions -- I like that they are open to being read as the drama being his, or the area's.

I think the opening is a little ambiguous about who is arriving. The man or the clarion. Once I get to the end it becomes clearer: I reckon the man arrives and is greeted by the clarion, but to the sentence reads more naturally as the clarion being the one arriving. I still think the poem might benefit from being made clearer. I don't see the the initial ambiguity adding anything.

I did also wonder if you might change "name and form" for more concrete details. The poem turns a little abstract after "sunrise", the last image in the poem.

best,

Matt
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  #3  
Unread 08-04-2019, 03:32 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Matt, certain possible changes in place.
PS: sorry. “crumpet” had to leave the kitchen.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-04-2019 at 05:11 PM.
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  #4  
Unread 08-04-2019, 06:50 PM
Jake Sheff Jake Sheff is offline
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Allen,

Very catchy title.

The irregular meter and sonnet-ish fourteen lines fascinates.

I'm not really sure if a narrative is truly present; this seems heavily symbolic and to be a sort of stand-in for a different sort of experience.

I can't decide if it has sunk or swam -- it seems to be treading water in my senses right now.

Interesting read. It reminds me a bit of "Tea at the Palaz of Hoon," which begins:

"Not less because in purple I descended..."

Not just because of the end word there, but thematically too, I think.

Best,
Jake
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  #5  
Unread 08-04-2019, 08:09 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Jake, whut! you think the meter is irregular? It’s so tick-tock it could make you sea sick except perhaps for LL6 & 14, which are in more human speech as opposed to Wilcoxon 9000 AI robochatback by Raytheon. (Ah well, see what studying the verse of Richard Wilbur has got me.)

I don’t quite subscribe to the idea that poems should “resist the intellect” - which is what the author of “Hoon” claimed. Contrariwise, should they be sub-mental brain candy like a graphic novel? They’re words, arranged in more than one pattern at once, that one hopes give pleasure and stimulate the purple cortex as well, at lease a little.

Ok, Hiram Forcemeat lands at Dulles International Airport and tells his cab driver that every time he gets near the District of Columbia, the stink of legislators sweating intensely in 70 degree A/C cooled committee rooms fills the aircraft while it’s still circling. Etc., etc.


Sorry, I’m feeling cavalier right now. Don’t take this reply seriously, please. I know you mean well.

Best, Allen

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-04-2019 at 08:32 PM. Reason: O apostrophe!
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  #6  
Unread 08-05-2019, 04:05 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Unless someone wants to suggest how to give this a metaphorical lick and a polish, I think that I will vector it toward the queues for release on its own or in a group with other efforts. (Hints for new things are welcome, of course.) My screws are running well, I think. It’s time to arrange, select, and edit. Further suggestions, critiques, condemnations from the greats or near greats? Come on, I’m only one-fifteenth great! Thanks again, Jake.
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  #7  
Unread 08-05-2019, 08:25 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Hi Allen,

Your poem reminds me of those dreams you sometimes get early in the night, where you might wake up remembering a couple images and some emotions that seem to be connected to them in some oblique way, but you’re not sure how anymore. On first reading, I was feeling a bit ungrounded by it – but I realized, upon reading Matt’s comment, that I’d misread the lines in quotation marks as coming from ‘him,’ not the ‘silent clarion.’ 'Him that says' would not be grammatical, it’s true, but so many people say ‘that’ when they mean ‘who’ that I think there’s potential for confusion in the absence of a definite context. “Can rise to him and say” would be one way of making it clearer.
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  #8  
Unread 08-05-2019, 09:25 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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This is charming, Allen.

A few thoughts to take or leave:

Make the first word "Descended"?

In line 9, add a comma before "several times"? It's a transition point in the poem and a comma would signal that more I think.

Is "drama" the maximum best word at the end? "Worry" or something similar instead?

At first I missed the crumpet but now I like bread roll better.

Lovely work.

Andrew
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  #9  
Unread 08-05-2019, 10:06 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Hi Andrew and Ann (is it Ann? I’m using single window iPod at a remote location and don’t want to break away to check, anyway),

Thank you for your close readings and very kind words.

I’m not sure why I didn’t use “and say” earlier. Maybe I felt that things stayed less personal the other way. That could be a desideratum. The change is made. Might as well be blamed for a sheep as well as a lamb by now, so I upped the mystery to new tension by forking “eyes...” later on. Why should everything have only one answer? It is a cotillion after all. Which brings me to the other suggestions.

Am I reporting or finding enchantment? So I’m undecided about “descended” and that comma. “Worry” might seem reasonable, but “drama” allows for a certain amount of cussing. Arguing. Yelling even. The comma change has more going for it right now. Let me sleep on those thoughts.

Thanks again to both.
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  #10  
Unread 08-05-2019, 10:13 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Beautiful sounds out of nowhere, turned mournful because they are out of no one...

Don't I know that song by heart.
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