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  #11  
Unread 08-06-2019, 06:27 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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I can't think of a more potent subject to write about, especially in the way you do it. It reminds me a bit of the first time I read Frost's revelatory line "I had a lover's quarrel with the world." This (your poem) being an interlude when that storm of mutual love is glowing warmly, welcoming doubly, making it all worthwhile.

But it also reveals a strong strain of isolation, especially as it is felt in urbanity. And then the hammer of "who cares"?

Really nice, Allen.
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  #12  
Unread 08-06-2019, 07:10 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Good morning, Jim, Daniel, and again Andrew and (perhaps Ann) A. Sterling:

Daniel hears “music when there’s no one there”. Don’t many of us, or all of us metaphorically now and then? Thank you, Ariel in “The Tempest” says he did too.

Jim, your hearty blast is welcome once more.

A. Sterling, I thought I had seen an expansion of the “A” in your name, but maybe not. (I will secretly assume Archibald or Anastasia.) I’m not sure that I see the ungrammaticality of “To him that says”. I might revert. For the moment I won’t. Thanks for the nudge.

Andrew, I can’t buy “descended.” I think it would confuse the whole structure, and suggest a mistake, but thanks, you meant well. Your idea about the comma move floats but hasn’t landed yet. I might find a reason. Good alternative though. Thanks also. It gives a very nice feeling that you appreciate the entire poem.

The “fork” in L12 has been changed.

Thanks to each for moral support. A. Sterling’s suggestion is still there; Andrew’s comma might move: that will require some very close analysis.

Best.
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  #13  
Unread 08-06-2019, 11:03 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Andrew, that comma insertion has been tried and could stay. Now I’m starting to hate this poem.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-06-2019 at 05:15 PM.
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  #14  
Unread 08-06-2019, 05:20 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Took comma out.
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  #15  
Unread 08-06-2019, 10:20 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi Allen,

I enjoyed the whole thing. I also found a certain clarity to its syntax, which I appreciate all the more since I don’t tend to find it in your prose. FWIW.

Cheers,
John
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  #16  
Unread 08-07-2019, 07:28 AM
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My prose is not for groundlings.
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  #17  
Unread 08-07-2019, 07:25 PM
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Hello, I've decided to cast this in the first person to see if people like it that way.
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  #18  
Unread 08-07-2019, 07:34 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi Allen,

The change doesn't make a big difference to me, I like this poem either way.
You should write your prose just as you see fit. I tend to skim over it.

Cheers,
John
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  #19  
Unread 08-07-2019, 11:02 PM
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Both points of view are posted at the top. Is there a significant difference in tone?
There are changes to LL 10 & 12. I wonder if the first person version sufficiently suggests the protagonist’s restraint.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-08-2019 at 10:12 AM. Reason: Typo. No excuse!
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  #20  
Unread 08-11-2019, 09:30 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Andrew, I’ve been staring at these versions for days and am trying your comma move again. You are an uncommonly perceptive reader. Also, I’ve almost been going in circles about which point of view to settle on. Somehow the comma move is connected to which feels right. Thanks again for poking me on that comma.
The “as if” in L9 is important.
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