LOL, we all seem to be thinking of something else. I thought of three other things.
First, I can't get the fabulous alliterative opposites of L3 of this Carly Pearce earworm
out of my head:
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
Oh, how I love that third line! So simple, yet it packs such an emotional wallop in the context of a relationship that has ended.
Your sonnet lacks any magical lines like that third line. That's my main objection to it, really. The basic idea of presenting both sides of a miscommunication in a relationship is intriguing, but I don't think rhyme and meter are enough to transform a piece of writing into a poem.
The second thing I think of is John Crowe Ransom's double-perspective sonnet, "Piazza Piece."
I've never really liked that sonnet, because I just can't be persuaded to give a damn about either of its cardboard characters; its old-fashioned diction makes it clear that this is not a real scenario with living, breathing people in it. For example, is the man in love with this particular young, beautiful woman, or would any young, beautiful woman meet his requirements? And he has a bit of a pot/kettle problem if he bemoans the fact that she prefers a lover who is young, when so does he
. Again, the "he said/she said" concept is interesting in theory, but in practice, Ransom has delivered a pretty mediocre and bloodless poem. (In fact, I find the lines of his poem so unmemorable that all I remembered of it was the title, the anaphora on "I am a...", and the word "dustcoat." Meh.)
[Edited to say: Yes, I know it's supposed to be a send-up of literary clichés. And I think there's great comedic potential. I just don't find what Ransom's done with it to be very funny.]
[Edited again to say: And yeah, I know that Ransom is probably playing off the "Death and the Maiden" theme, too. I still find his poem underwhelming.]
I think you have the same problem here, Daniel. The double-perspective idea is promising, and could be taken in various directions--comedic, serious--but there's nothing really poetic about your sonnet other than rhyme and meter, and no lines that lodge in my memory. I'm not as picky as I usually am about sonnets needing a turn, since sonnets in series often don't
have them, and the fact that this one is paired with another poem puts it in that "series" category for me. But it needs something to hold my interest. I want more memorable turns of phrase--more magic
The third thing I think of is Gary Chapman's
rather unscientific but still conceptually useful theory that people who speak different love languages (receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service/thoughtfulness/devotion, and physical touch) have trouble understanding each others' expressions of love. (E.g., the infamous "You think you can buy my affection by giving me stuff, but you never tell me that you love me" vs. "All these empty words about how much you love me, but you're not willing to spend any money on me.") So yes, you're onto something, and the situation will resonate with many people, including me. But a promising idea is not the same as a captivating poetic experience. And your sonnet definitely isn't there yet, for me.