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  #11  
Unread 08-25-2019, 09:36 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I’ve been back to read this a few times, and I wonder if you could cut back a bit, to increase rather than decrease the non-sequitur effect.

I’m thinking S2 might be expendable, as adding more linear narrative than the poem needs. Deleting that could also solve the potential strawberry pancakes dilemma with “surrealistic.”

So I was picturing:

Summer intern, doctoral thesis pending,
you arrive so wise at the scientific
magazine of cannabis entertainment,
knowing exactly.

Orchid rinds and boxes of Chinese flashcards
make their way to Stephanie’s corner office.
You demur. Coincidence rules the darkroom.
Over the transom,

graphic novels slip into burning pockets,
begging ontological metric readings.
Savage ink, a tear in the moral fabric
cues the finale.

On that fateful Monday in waning August,
Fibonacci Sequins by Stunning Numbers
hits the charts at numero uno, spilling
artichoke flowers.


I do love love love that last stanza!
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  #12  
Unread 08-26-2019, 06:35 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Thanks Walter and Daniel.

Thanks Andrew. Usually I'm all for a careful reader pulling a block from the Jenga tower, but this one, I think, needs the pace of the longer version. Stanza two has one more-or-less" treading water" line, the one about dodging valid questions, but the rest of it sets a tone and defines the intern and her relationship to the full-timers, I think. I also like the orchid rinds and flash cards coming in over the transom for its strangeness. Graphic novels coming in over the transom is almost de rigueur by comparison. I don't really have a problem with "surrealistic" as an adonic, and I like that description of the graphic novels. Focus and tightening works against this one.

And I'm glad you like the last stanza. This one was written from the bottom up.
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