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  #1  
Unread 09-08-2019, 07:12 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Default precipitation

wheat text

Rain

sodden, the sky that with
....skulk and

falter alleges its
....presence

overhead finds in the
....muffled

smur of the heavens with-
....in the

murmurs of concord with
....downfall
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  #2  
Unread 09-08-2019, 09:10 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Beautiful, Aaron. I love the supple meter and the seamless move between outer and inner realities. Not only that, but "smur" has been added to my vocabulary.

I can't see anything I'd want to change, but I'll be following this with interest.

Nice work.

Andrew
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  #3  
Unread 09-09-2019, 09:10 AM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Hi Aaron,



I like this a lot. I especially like how the word "finds" works. Like a distinct action.

"alleges its presence" --I'm just not feeling "alleges". Just not quite...


RM
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Unread 09-09-2019, 10:20 AM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
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Aaron, I like the feel of, and the images in, this poem. I guess I read the poem more literally than others. After I read it, I'm left wondering: The sky finds what? Mark
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  #5  
Unread 09-09-2019, 03:56 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Andrew, thanks for your praise of this poem. I'm really glad that it's working for you.

Rick, thanks for your kind comments and your one bit of pushback. I will reflect on "alleges" and see if there is not a better word. I do like the implication that the sky's existence is uncertain, must be proven and justified, which I think points to the N's inner state in this poem.

Mark, thanks for your comments and question. The reference to "heavens within" is meant to signal the notion of mental "weather". The sky finds its own state paralleled in the mood of the N.
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Unread 09-09-2019, 04:00 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I do like the word "smur." The rest doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid - I don't hear the music, and I prefer syntax I can follow - but it looks like that's just me giving you what seems to be an outlying reaction. So, as you were, all. There are, naturally, plenty of other poems of yours I prefer.

Cheers,
John
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  #7  
Unread 09-10-2019, 10:56 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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John, thanks for your pushback. It is always useful to hear what isn't working for people.
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  #8  
Unread 09-10-2019, 11:45 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is online now
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Aaron, in a poem this spare on the page I think you can get away with syntactical idiosyncrasy because a reader has time and space to parse it closely. Indeed that close parsing is part of the mood of the poem, putting both the world, eye, and mind under the microscope. I do like the poem, though I stumbled on the line where with-in is hyphenated. Having the entire next line read in the is a bold choice, and seems a deliberate miscue that momentarily blurs the parallel sense.

I take it this way as far as what the sky finds (Mark's question):

finds in the muffled smur of the heaven within

the murmurs of concord with downfall


By isolating the in the you kind of interrupt the grammar. But I recovered soon enough, and actually didn't mind the diversion as it slowed me down even further. As I said it is a bold lineation choice.

I like alleges.

And, of course, smur is a brilliant stroke.
As is concord with downfall.

Nice work.

Nemo
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  #9  
Unread 09-11-2019, 08:27 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Nemo, thank you for your careful reading. I like your thoughts on the function of the "-in the" line. I've been waiting quite some time to work "smur" into a poem. The first few attempts were abortive; I am glad this one seems to have succeeded.
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  #10  
Unread 09-11-2019, 11:17 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Coming back to this, I wonder about the line spacing. Adding a space between lines gives the poem a less regimented look:


sodden, the sky that with

xxxxskulk and


falter alleges its

xxxxpresence


overhead finds in the

xxxxmuffled


smur of the heavens with-

xxxxin the


murmurs of concord with

xxxxdownfall
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