[Andrew Szilvasy]

Lot's to think about here.

I'm glad the base of this is working.

Aaron, Matt, Roger, Martin: thanks for your feedback. I took Martin's "your" in L1 and I'm considering the possibility of shrinking it to a heroic couplet. It's either as it stands now, or a couplet without "now, Dave"

Thanks again y'all.

[John Isbell]

Originally Posted by Andrew Szilvasy

Lot's to think about here.

I'm glad the base of this is working.

Aaron, Matt, Roger, Martin: thanks for your feedback. I took Martin's "your" in L1 and I'm considering the possibility of shrinking it to a heroic couplet. It's either as it stands now, or a couplet without "now, Dave"

Thanks again y'all.

Hey, what am I, chopped liver?

Cheers,
John

[Andrew Szilvasy]

Eek! Sorry John. Sorry that I somehow missed you!

Your suggest (along with Matt and Aaron) is why I'm keeping open an only slightly modified original.

[John Isbell]

I like it. I do agree that dropping "now, Dave" is an option. But that wouldn't be Martial's construction IMO.

Cheers,
John

[Aaron Novick]

Since multiple people have suggested it, I'd like to opine that dropping "now, Dave" would be bad for the meter (the unequal lines improve the poem mightily), bad for losing "now" (essential to the point that if you are in such a state now, you'll always be in such a state), and bad for losing "Dave" (which is important for indicating that this poem is addressed to a particular person).

[Julie Steiner]

"Emilio" is a fairly common name in Spanish, and using that wouldn't be a bad move, if you want to make it contemporary. (Good luck fitting that into your hexameter line, though. "Emilio, if poor, get comfy in your ditch"? Or maybe "Emil, being poor, get comfy in your ditch"?)

[Roger Slater]

I think "ditch" is fine, but might "niche" be more in keeping with the sentiment (while preserving the rhyme for the many who pronounce it that way)?

The problem with "Dave" is that even people who don't read Latin or glance at the Latin will know immediately that it is a liberty taken by the translator, since there's no way Martial knew anyone named Dave. The effect, I think, is to undermine the reader's faith in the translation. If you can fit a name that doesn't immediately tip the reader off that you are taking liberties as a translator, it would be better. If you can't, then I think leaving it out is the more prudent course.

[Andrew Szilvasy]

Hi all,

Thank you for your feedback. One of the interesting things about a couplet is that it's so easy to tinker with.

John: I take your point here. It is in the spirit to keep a name.

Thanks Aaron for chiming in. I appreciate the logic behind your point.

Julie: Thanks for the thoughts. There is a way a Spanish name makes it work in a new way. But...I don't love the way the hexameter sounds.

Roger: I did indeed have niche in an earlier draft (hence "that" rather than "your"). It might be more in the sentiment, but it does lose some of the imagery and comic punch--I'm always happier with the spirit of the meaning working.

I also appreciate seeing the logic behind your thought. I will say, though, that Davus was a lower-class name (and, oddly, one that appears as a slave name in two textbooks), so the vocative is "Dave." I'm sure that doesn't fix it for you, but I will consider a name that fits the meter and feels simultaneously roman and contemporary, though I'm a bit less concerned with the presumption of taking liberties.