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Old 08-23-2018, 04:48 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,175

this is really fine; my only slight objection is to the awkwardness in the last two lines of S2--the phrasing "what lasts forever as that which" needs work IMO. Here is an inadequate suggestion that might nudge you to something better:

They leave you, not fully part of either place,
not quite so dark as the silent house, not quite
conjuring the eternal with the sureness
as that which, turned to star, ascends each night.

Small tweaks to the sentence structure might give you more freedom to find a smoother rendition.

Thank you for the read, and I hope this little comment is some use!

p.s. I have been away a bit, and will be working my way backwards, so I hope you don't mind comments on your earlier translations.
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Old 08-23-2018, 09:16 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 7,678

Martin, I have tried altering S2L4 to see if it reads more smoothly that way. The idea is complex, so it is hard to express it in a way that does not become confusing.

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