[John Whitworth]

The Double rhymes brought wins for me and my toyboy, and for perhaps our newest Spherian, Basil Ransome-Davies. Good on us! The Competition winners will be found under 'Competition'

The latest Competition looks a good one. Verses are obviously OK if the fellow (or fellowess) was a poet.

No. 2634: A self examined
You are invited to submit an obituary of a well-known figure, past or present, as they themselves might have written it (150 words maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 10 February.

[basil ransome-davies]

Hi John –

Congratulations on your Speccie win, & thanks for posting the results & the rubric for the new comp. No longer being a subscriber, I've been rather frustrated on Thursdays ever since the mag erected paywalls on its website.

Regards,

Bazza

[John Whitworth]

Ah Bazza, my honourable friend, I wonder how long it will be before they decide to do something about me. I am obviously a sort of Trojan Horse affording a way IN past those walls. But, dammit, I AM a subscriber. And it's fun seeing what other people can do. We have some fine multiple winners here, Chris O'Carroll, Frank Osen and Janet. Apologies if I've missed someone. I mean three times or more. I'm not talking about Brits of course. It's in our blood, like crossword puzzles, though. I don't do those now. Too much time spent on Speccie and Oldie.

[Jayne Osborn]

Congratulations, John and Bazza.
I didn't get anywhere (again!).

I used to win a Speccie prize from time to time but, try as I might, I just can't get a look in these days.
Can you tell me what these 'walls' are, that you've both mentioned? I haven't been on their website; I just get the mag through my door every Friday and email my entries. How have you got the results of this comp on a Thursday? I always thought that subscribers received the magazine first?

Am I missing something? (Hope I'm not having another blonde moment, here!)

[John Whitworth]

Jayne, it used to be possible to access the on-line Spectator without being a subscriber. It still is, I believe, but a week in arrears. To get it on-line on the Thursday it comes out you have to be a subscriber, which you are, and I am. But now you need a subscriber's code. How do you get it? To tell you the truth I have forgotten, but it is possible to do so on-line. A phone call to the Speccie ought to clear it up and then, by putting in your code, you will see the Speccie on-line one day before the postman delivers the paper copy by snail. There are certain things in the paper copy not available on-line, including the poems actually.

As for walls, these are erections (in cyberspace I suppose) to stop the likes of Bazza and Bill Greenwell getting through to the on-line competition without subscribing. Of course, since the Oldie is not on-line, or likely to be if I am any judge, the only access to the competition that Spherians have is through subscribers like thee and me.

Did you use to win in the reign of Jaspistos? He was a poet, as I think Lucy is not. So you... However, you obviously appeal to Tessa Castro of the Oldie more than I do. I find it devilish difficult to win over there. Doesn't stop me trying though. Courage!

[Jayne Osborn]

John,
Thank you for putting me fully in the picture.

Hey, why don't you put my name on Oldie entries, and I'll put your name on Speccie entries - we each seem to have a judge who likes our work!

I've just opened my Speccie, and on the address label you'll see, above your name, your membership number and your Web ID. (I'd never noticed before - so now we know!)

[John Whitworth]

Wel, I've done a poem that I quite like. But I doubt it fits the rubric. Didn't people throw sonnets into Shakespeare's grave? Or was that Keats?

Obituary

Nobody, nobody’s child, a common fellow,
A crow, an upstart crow, a John Factotum –
Macbeth, King Lear, Prince Hamlet, Black Othello,
Such plays, such poetry! Who says he wrote ‘em?
Learned Kit Marlowe or more learned Ben,
Sir Highborn Piss-the-bed, the Earl of Arse,
Persons of substance, qualitative men,
These are the proper shadows in the glass.
But Will? Will Shakescene, late of Stratford, wife
No better than she should be, ill-begot,
No name, no past, no future? What a life!
Is this the Immortal Bard? No, no it’s not.
Shovel in earth and let the mourners come.
He is now as he was – blind, deaf and dumb.

[Mary Meriam]

Excellent, indeed, John, but you might have mentioned Mary Sidney, the Countess of Pembroke, a highly likely contender for authorship.

[John Whitworth]

Thanks Mary. Pure ignorance on my part but how could I squeeze her in? Personally I think John Webster wrote them. Mind you he's have had to start pretty early. At about ten years old I think if 'Shakespeare in Love' is any guide.

What about Queen Elizabeth I? The last half of the canon from beyond the grave.

[Martin Parker]

Surely the following sonnet settles beyond any doubt the question of who wrote Shakespeare -- and perhaps not only him.


When I consider how I wrote each play
You ever claimed as yours, you worthless blighter,
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth I say
It is to love a thankless, third-rate writer.
Know this, my self-styled Bard, you sore abuse
The one you know is author of your work,
The one whose name you will not let me use.
You cheating, ingrate, balding, little berk!
No more I’ll grasp your withered, blunted quill
And shape love’s torrid lines upon your bed,
Nor strive to grind out other lines that will
Be claimed to be your copyright instead.
By this Dark Lady you are now forsaken.
I’m off, -- to write for cash and Francis Bacon.