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  #1  
Unread 02-04-2019, 01:02 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Default The Cruelest Month

Valentine Verses

With a crayon he carefully crafted hearts
and rhymes, but Rose refused his dinky cards.

His card with perfect Palmer Method strokes
evoked a tiny smile and big No thanks!

In flowing cursive lines at St. Jude’s High,
he wondered why she broke their date that day.

At Yale, his digitized ditties of lovers’ fables—
sweet tweets—made Rose call him predictable.

He turned to sonnets for their subtle nuance,
as grails and verbal icons of romance.

His Skyped recital of chivalric myths
won him Rose for twelve long brutal months.

A shrink now tweets him jokey Valentines.
His muse mocks him in fourteen cruel lines.


S3L2 deleted italics and ?
S5L1 was: He turned to studying the rules for sonnets:
S7L2 was:His muse mocks him in fourteen cruel lines. reinstated
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Last edited by RCL; 02-11-2019 at 08:10 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 02-05-2019, 12:56 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Ralph, I like the use of off-rhyme couplets up until the final true rhyme at the end. I especially like rhyming "myths" and "months" (brilliant). The only off-rhyme I question is "sonnets" and "romances."

Best,

Aaron
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  #3  
Unread 02-05-2019, 01:38 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Ralph, in S3L2 you do not need the italics or the question mark for "why" because it is introducing an indirect question. The slant rhymes are great in theory, but I agree with Aaron that "sonnets/romances" doesn't sound like any kind of rhyme. I don't mind loose iambics, but I stumbled a bit on S5L2.

Susan
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Unread 02-05-2019, 03:46 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Hi Ralph

The hark to Eliot in the title sets up more than it delivers. Why the spelling?

Just a thought

He turned to studying the rules for sonnets:
those grails and verbal icons of little songs.

Maybe it is perverse, but I like the full rhyme at the end it finishes the poem and gives it perspective somehow.

Regards,

Jan

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 02-05-2019 at 03:51 PM.
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Unread 02-05-2019, 04:06 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Hi Ralph,

In S5L2, maybe

those grails and verbal icons of retro romance (no “s”).

That has a better rhythm and rhymes better with sonnets.

I agree with Susan about the hyphenated “why.”

The narrative is both humorous and sad. And I like the slant rhymes. I don't know yet whether or not I like the last full rhyme.

Best,
Martin
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Unread 02-05-2019, 05:03 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Aaron, glad for the slants you like, sad for those that needed adjustment, including the ultimate. Thanks.

Susan, also pleased the slants work except when they don’t, so I’ve adjusted. I do detect the bump and will reconsider, maybe deleting “retro.”

Martin, thanks for reading, the vote and the nudge. I'm glad you felt the mixed emotions.

Jan, that’s a spot-on fix, little song/sonnet, now under consideration. What spelling? OK, I see in the top title. Maybe I'll go with The Crueler Month. I'm still juggling rhyme/no rhyme at the end.
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Last edited by RCL; 02-05-2019 at 05:19 PM.
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Unread 02-05-2019, 08:15 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Ralph - Good tweaks.

I like “tiny” smile and “big” no thanks (not a tweak, but I thought I’d mention it).

Nice alliteration in several places, like carefully crafted, perfect Palmer, date that day, digitized ditties, texts and tweets, sonnets for their subtle, muse mocks.
And assonance: sweet/tweets, Skyped recital, shrink/tweets.

I think I actually like the original last line better. I can’t explain why exactly. Maybe because of “14 cruel lines,” which sounds humorous.
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Unread 02-06-2019, 01:09 AM
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Martin, thanks for the thumbs up on the various sonics; and I’m likely to go back to the 14 cruel lines, an aspect of this piece that is meant to be humorous.
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Unread 02-09-2019, 09:11 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Ralph,
effective and timely; would you like me to correct the spelling of "Cruelist?"

Thanks for the read!
Martin
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Unread 02-10-2019, 04:25 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Ralph,

I especially liked the poignancy of this ironic reversal, after all his failures:

His Skyped recital of chivalric myths
won him Rose for twelve long brutal months.

It reminds me of Dylan's "You may think he loves you for your money, but I know what he really loves you for."

Cheers,
John
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